SPOTLIGHT

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1. Please introduce yourself and your focus and mission.

My name is Ashmeeta Rama Madhav. I am a widowed single parent to three exceptional children (Kanishk, Hrishik, and Avantika) and a pet (Nala). I have experienced various forms of loss (miscarriage, rejection, death), and with it came crippling grief and low self-esteem.

I am the author of the book, What's Your Story, #1 Way to Create a new reality with your thinking, and the founder of Growth StoryHub.

Through Growth StoryHub and my book, I aim to provide the necessary support, guidance, and resources for those grieving after a loss. I understand the challenges of being a single parent and the impact of loss on one's life. 

Grief can be a challenging experience, and individuals need access to resources and support during this time. My organization aims to help empower individuals to take control of their experiences by offering tools and resources for navigating through grief.

We encourage individuals to look beyond their grief and focus on their mindset and aspirations to create a purpose-driven life.

2. As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history. 

My passion is early childhood education. I have an Early Childhood Education Associate specializing in Special Needs and birth to six Montessori qualifications. I have worked in various early childhood settings in different countries and gained valuable global experience.

When I was 23, I experienced a miscarriage and, around the same time, received a summons stating that my marriage of 6 weeks was annulled.

I was in shock. I attempted to ask questions to get answers, but it was all in vain.

I walked away a broken and devastated person. I was confused, sad, angry, and lost trust in humanity.

This experience caused me to feel like I was not good enough. I wanted to hide in some dark corner and stay there for the rest of my life. 

All this negative introspection led to me heading in a downward spiral.

I was fortunate to have the support and shelter of my parents and brother. They gave me the strength to keep my head up and encouraged me to keep moving. With their encouragement, I started to explore ways I could help myself. I felt many negative emotions and struggled with trust and self-worth issues.

I had been working on healing and growth through self-reflection, self-development, and my mindset and positive affirmation for a while before I finally found the courage to step out into the world again. 

However, the wounds from my experience limited me from truly living. I am not worthy of being loved is the message embedded in my being. I found a comfortable way to live and move on with this added baggage.

A few years later, I met my husband and got married. We had the opportunity to live and work on three different continents and meet people from different cultures. Traveling the world and learning about other cultures has helped me to open my mind and appreciate life. 

We have three children who are a blessing. They are 20, 18, and 11 years old now. 

When my boys were 4 and 6 years old, my mum passed away unexpectedly, which changed my life forever. The one person in whom I had total faith and trust was gone forever. She was my best friend. 

I was angry with GOD for taking her from me. I struggled to find a connection like the one with my mum.

I was torn apart, yet life had to go on. We were a family with young kids, and there was no time to deal with grief and loss. I started to suffer from headaches and joint pain. I did not have a family history of headaches or joint issues or understand why this was happening. I visited doctors and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I started to take medication to help me with my symptoms. 

Over time, I noticed the medication was not doing much for me. I still had symptoms, so I tried alternative methods like chiropractic, meditation, yoga, breathwork, and a low-dairy, sugar, and gluten diet. One day I got this crazy idea to stop everything and allow my body to reset.

I gave up taking all medication, detoxed my body and started to listen to my body, and made intentional choices to help my mind, body, and soul. This detox was a good decision. Over a few weeks, I noticed no headaches, my joints were not as sore, and my mind was less foggy. So, I continued to be intentional and particular with what I allowed to enter my body. 

After struggling for many months with pancreatic cancer, my husband passed in 2019. Our 23 years of marriage ended, and the life we built together was all gone forever.

A part of me died that day, and I KNEW my life WAS never going to be the same.

I walked around WONDERING….

Will I ever feel like living again? 

How do I walk on this new path that I know nothing about?

How do I deal with my grief while single parenting our three children?

About six months after my husband passed, we decided to move near family. This move meant packing up and driving across the states, which I had always done with my husband. This time was when Covid-19 had started. 

I told myself that I only needed to focus on moving forward. This thought was my way of keeping sane and making sense of this new life thrust on me.

The loss of our life as we knew it had been a very unsettling and lonely path. The isolated days during Covid -19 gave us much time to reflect and put our idea of living into perspective.

Living close to my dad, brother, and his family gave me a sense of belonging that has helped me to feel grounded. I am so grateful for their love and support. 

I still had to figure out what living without my partner meant. How can I be the best parent to my children with no father? I am constantly learning every day how to find peace and acceptance in my new life.

In 2022, my dad passed unexpectedly. I thought that since I had experienced two losses by death, I would be better equipped to work through this, but I was wrong. I feel even more alone, knowing I am an orphan and a widow. I am grateful for the opportunity to spend the last two years of my dad's life with him.

My journey with loss and the grief I have experienced due to the loss has taught me to acknowledge that everyone processes emotions differently. While one person's approach of focusing on facts and setting emotions aside may have worked for that person, there may be better approaches for another or everyone. It's okay to acknowledge and honor your emotions and find a way to process them in a healthy way that works for you. We are all unique.

I found a strategy that works for me by taking a step back and asking myself what story I am making with my thoughts and experiences. By becoming more aware of the stories I create, I can challenge any negative self-talk or limiting beliefs and choose to hold on to more positive and empowering beliefs instead. This thinking has helped me let go of past baggage and live more optimistically.

I prioritize my emotional well-being and find healthy ways to process difficult emotions. Also, I am reminded that healing and growth is a journey, and taking it one step at a time is okay.

3. You have written the book What's Your Story: #1 Way to Create a New Reality with Your Thinking. Please give us a summary of it. 

The book tells the story of my personal journey through grief and self-discovery after experiencing loss and the challenges I faced each time.  

Our thoughts significantly impact our lives, and the stories we tell ourselves can shape our reality. By choosing to focus on positive thoughts and beliefs, we can create a more fulfilling and satisfying life for ourselves. It's never too late to start working on ourselves and our personal growth.

When we continuously think the same thought and then analyze and add momentum to it, it eventually becomes a story in our mind, which in turn becomes a reality in our lives.

Why not tell yourself a positive story that paves a path for self-improvement, self-development, and self-discovery and allow that story to define us and propel us to new heights? I learned to channel my thoughts and become aware of my inner self, which helped me to cope with my complicated situation.

What's Your Story is a book about how you can improve your life by understanding and working with your thoughts and self-talk. It guides how you can grow and evolve into a better person every moment by finding inspiration and support from many sources. The book includes stories and examples of how this can be done. The book also shows how you are ultimately responsible for your evolution.

4. Your book asks, "How can you continue living when your reality has been permanently altered?" What is the difference between losing a spouse or a parent? Do we grieve differently?  

When I researched this, I found an interesting paper titled "Death, Happiness, and the Calculation of Compensatory Damages," which states, "The largest emotional losses are from the death of a spouse; the second-worst in severity are the losses from the death of a child; the third- worst is the death of a parent." 

https://grievewellblog.wordpress.com/2017/06/22/a-theory-of-grief-relativity/

Any form of loss (miscarriage, divorce, death, natural disasters, etc.) is devastating. The grieving process is unique to each individual. 

When I lost my parents, I had the support and comfort of my husband and children; however, my life changed when I lost my partner, forcing me to question my existence without my partner. Any loss is unsettling. I don't think one person's grief is more intense than another's. Grieving is a journey that is personal to each person. 

5. You are very transparent about losing a loved one. What are some signs of depression?

Isolation can be a coping mechanism for dealing with difficult emotions such as sadness, grief, or depression. Returning to oneself and avoiding social interactions that may trigger or exacerbate those emotions can feel safer.

However, prolonged isolation can have negative effects on mental health and well-being. Humans are social creatures, and we thrive on social connections and interactions. When we isolate ourselves for extended periods, we miss out on the benefits of social support, such as emotional support, validation, and a sense of belonging.

It's essential to balance taking time for oneself and staying connected to others. Seeking professional help or reaching out to trusted friends and family members can help overcome the dangers of self-isolation and re-engage with the world.

When my mother passed away, I wanted to speak about her as much as I could, and I was fortunate enough to have a sister-in-law, Kavita, who was happy to talk with me for hours and as often as possible. I process my grief by speaking about the person I lost. Other than her, there was no one. It was as if my mother had never existed. I experienced the same thing when my husband and dad passed. I noticed that when a loved one dies, the relationships that once existed all dwindle, and the grieving person finds themselves alone without the family they once belonged to. I am curious about why this happens.

6. Why is society reluctant to acknowledge and support mental conditions like depression? 

Mental illness is often viewed as a sign of weakness, leaving many individuals ashamed and embarrassed to seek treatment. The belief that one should be able to "just snap out of it" further contributes to mental health stigma. In addition, individuals may feel unsupported by family and friends, fearing judgment and discounting. Financial concerns and limited access to mental health services can impede seeking help. Cultural beliefs and attitudes can also play a role, with mental illness being stigmatized or viewed as a personal weakness or moral failing. It is crucial to continue raising awareness, reducing the stigma around mental health, and promoting equitable access to mental health services for all.

7. Can you explain why when we are feeling depressed, we tend to isolate ourselves? 

The experience of depression often leads to feelings of loneliness and a desire to isolate oneself from others. Adjusting to a new life, feeling rejected, worthless, and doubtful can make it challenging to fit in and connect with others. Losing a job, relationship, or other vital aspects of life can exacerbate these feelings and make socializing seem overwhelming.

Depression can create a vicious cycle where isolation worsens symptoms, making it even harder to connect with others. Despite feeling like a coping mechanism, isolation can make depression worse in the long run. 

Maintaining social connections and receiving social support is crucial for good mental health.

8. What are three things that make you feel accepted?

Seeking validation, accepting yourself, and finding support are critical factors in feeling accepted. It's worth noting that what makes someone feel accepted can vary from person to person, and it may require some introspection to discover what works for you. Here are three more things that some individuals may find contribute to their sense of acceptance:

Feeling heard and understood - When others take the time to listen and empathize with our experiences truly, it can make us feel seen and validated.

Belonging to a group - Being part of a community or social group where we feel accepted and included can provide a strong sense of belonging and support.

Receiving positive affirmations - Receiving praise and validation from others for our accomplishments and strengths can help boost our confidence and self-esteem, contributing to a sense of acceptance.

9. Is there any significant differences between male and female experiences with depression?

There are differences in how depression presents in males and females. Here are a few examples:

Prevalence: Depression is more common in females than males. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, females are almost twice as likely as males to experience depression

in their lifetime.

Symptoms: While some symptoms of depression are similar across genders, there are also some differences. For example, males may be more likely to exhibit anger, aggression, and irritability as symptoms of depression, while females may be more likely to experience sadness, guilt, and worthlessness.

Risk factors: Some gender-specific risk factors can contribute to depression. For example, females are more likely to experience depression during hormonal changes such as pregnancy and menopause. At the same time, males may be more likely to experience depression in response to job loss or financial stress.

Help-seeking: There are also differences in how males and females seek help for depression. Males may be less likely to seek help due to the stigma around mental health issues and a societal expectation to be self-sufficient and not show vulnerability. On the other hand, females may be more likely to seek help and talk about their feelings with friends and family members.

It's important to note that these differences are not absolute, and individuals of any gender can experience depression in various ways. If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, it's essential to seek help from a mental health professional.

10. Can you explain the stigmas and misconceptions of depression?

Stigma and discrimination can significantly impact the lives of individuals with mental illnesses. The fear of being labeled as "crazy" or "weak" can prevent people from seeking help and support, worsening their condition and making it harder for them to recover.

Self-stigma can also be particularly damaging. When individuals internalize negative attitudes and stereotypes about mental illness, they may begin to believe that they are weak or unworthy of help. Self-stigma can lead to shame and low self-esteem, further isolating them from their

support systems.

Addressing and reducing the stigma surrounding mental illness through education, awareness, and open communication is essential. By creating a safe and accepting environment, we can encourage people to seek help and support without fear of judgment or discrimination.

11. What are some of your key components to help raise awareness for other organizations/individuals?

Empower people who have experienced loss to speak about it and find tools and techniques to help themselves. 

Encourage them to keep working and not let the loneliness delude their minds and make them feel alone. 

12. What suggestions can help others facing loss and depression? 

Being informed about the specific experiences related to grief and loss can provide individuals with the necessary tools to help themselves during this difficult time. It's important to remember that knowledge is power, and having a checklist of things to expect and techniques to cope with depression can be empowering. This can help individuals advocate for themselves responsibly and respectfully while building resilience and easing the grieving process.

Moreover, understanding the grieving process can help individuals anticipate potential challenges and develop effective coping strategies. Learning about the experiences of others who have gone through similar situations can also provide a sense of community and support, helping individuals feel less isolated and alone in their grief. By being prepared with knowledge and tools to help oneself, one can take charge of one's mental health journey, communicate effectively with healthcare professionals, and seek the support needed to improve outcomes and live a fulfilling life.

13. "What's Your Story? is a book about improving your life by understanding and working with your thoughts." How much do you think negative self-talk impedes a person's journey? 

What we allow to sit in our minds will infect us. The continuous repetition of negative thoughts will pull you down, eg. I am not worthy of any attention. Change that statement to I am loved; I am, all is well, everything is as it should be; I am safe.

I realized that by accepting an experience for its worth and not internalizing it (finding any meaning), I was preventing unnecessary stories from being formulated in my mind. When there are no stories in my mind, my reality is authentic, and I can learn more about my true self.

I can grow and understand myself better when I practice self-control and regulate myself. Also, I send a message to my consciousness that I can trust myself.

I noticed that I am my biggest nemesis. I sometimes interfered with my progress by allowing doubt to take control. Why did I do this? On further reflection, I realized it originated from a place of fear. I was afraid that I would not be able to match up with other people or I would not be able to deliver.

Life is full of encounters; every encounter will change me if I allow it to. All my past experiences, good and bad, have controlled and shaped me. Because of these experiences, I started my search for a better way.

Realizing I needed to finally let go of what was hurting my heart and soul, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and move forward.

14. Why must we move through our loss before it is possible to restore wholeness, experience lasting joy, and develop our true potential?

Healing takes place when we accept our loss. Without acceptance, there is always a chance that something will surface at the least expected moment.

It's not always easy to confront our fears and doubts, but we can grow and evolve into a better version of ourselves by acknowledging them and facing them head-on.

It's also important to remember that every experience we have, good or bad, has the potential to shape us and teach us valuable lessons. By embracing and learning from these experiences, we can continue to grow and develop as individuals.

15. What are some of your favorite projects? 

I enjoy creating and building projects. I have a bucket list and have been crossing off some of the activities I would like to experience, i.e., skydiving, parasailing, scuba diving, snorkeling, kayaking, rope climbing, riding an ATV on sand dunes, going on a safari, theme parks, visit the wonders of the world, etc.

16. How can parents help their children deal with losing a loved one? 

Accepting the reality. Being honest and keeping communication channels open.

Use simple words to talk about death: Using simple and direct language when explaining death to a child is essential. Avoid using euphemisms or metaphors, as they can confuse young children.

Listen and comfort: Let your child express their feelings and emotions about the death, and provide comfort and support. Let them know that it's okay to feel sad or angry and that you are there to help them through this difficult time.

Put feelings into words: Encourage your child to express their feelings and emotions in words, as this can help them process their grief and emotions.

Tell your child what to expect: Explain to your child what will happen after the death, such as a funeral or memorial service.

Explain events that will happen: If your child attends a funeral or memorial service, explain what to expect, such as the type of ceremony, who will be there, and what they will see.

Give your child a role: If possible, give your child a role in the funeral or memorial service, such as lighting a candle or reading a poem. Roles can give them a sense of purpose and help them feel included in the process.

Help your child remember the person: Encourage your child to remember the person who died by looking at photos, talking about happy memories, or creating a memory book.

Give comfort and reassure your child: Let them know they are loved, and you will support them through this difficult time. Reassure them that they are not alone in their grief and that feeling sad is okay.

17. Why are so many people still stuck in victim mode? 

While there can be many reasons why some people may feel stuck in victim mode, one common explanation is that they may feel attached to the experience of being a victim. This attachment can be due to factors such as past trauma, ongoing negative experiences, or a lack of tools and resources to move forward.

However, it's important to remember that being a victim does not have to define or destroy someone. By focusing on growth and positivity, individuals can shift their mindset and take control of their lives. This mindset can involve seeking support from friends and family, practicing self-care and self-compassion, and working with a mental health professional to develop coping strategies and tools for healing.

It's also important to note that healing is a process and can take time, so it's okay to seek support and take things one step at a time. Individuals can break free from victim mode with effort and perseverance and create a more fulfilling and positive life.

18. Are there ways that a person can identify that they need to help themself?

It's important to remember that we cannot control others and their actions, but we can control our actions and work on improving ourselves. We can better support and help others in their journeys by fixing ourselves and becoming more centered and compassionate. It is essential to empower others by listening to them, asking about their options, and supporting them in action steps toward their goals. Being cheerleaders and praising their efforts can motivate them to keep moving forward. Ultimately, each person is their authority, and it's important to respect their autonomy and empower them to make their own decisions.

19. Do you have anything you feel inspired about and working toward in the future?

I am inspired to share the idea of creating meaningful purpose-driven stories from life. How do I want to be remembered? How can I make my life better and add value to the world? What I learn as I live and interact with the world and people is something I should share with the world because when I die, it will stay behind. It came from my experience in this world and will remain here whether I express it or not.

20. What words describe you the best and why?

I am a survivor and not afraid to be alone. I strive to be open-minded, empathetic, kind, caring, respectful, empowering, grateful and spread hope and love.

21. What do you want others to take away from your messages, speaking engagements, book, and writings?

The Embrace, Empower, and Evolve concept is a great way to approach personal growth and development. 

By embracing your present situation and being mindful of your emotions and thoughts, you can begin to understand the story you are creating for yourself and how your beliefs and values influence that story.

Empowering yourself through positive self-talk and self-love can shift your mindset and view of yourself, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. 

And by evolving through helpful tools and positive thoughts, you can continue to improve the quality of your life and become a better version of yourself every day.

Overall, it's important to remember that personal growth is a journey and takes time, effort, and patience. But by embracing, empowering, and evolving, you can create a life that aligns more with your values and brings you more happiness and fulfillment.

22. Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?

I have had the opportunity to travel and experience many different countries. I have lived on three continents.

I am grateful to be alive. Even though I have many challenges, there is always a silver lining, and all I need to do is be aware and look for the positive. I am blessed with three exceptional children. They give me reasons to stay motivated and keep moving.

23. If you could give one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?

Don't allow your experience to destroy or define you. You can choose how your experiences will affect you by choosing to Embrace, Empower, and Evolve.

When life hands you lemons, it's essential to take the time to explore your mind and emotions so that you can understand yourself better. Self-reflection and personal growth are crucial in healing after a loss. 

The mindset you adopt will help you either spiral downwards or break free and ease the effect of the loss.

Everyone's grief journey is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be patient with yourself. However, having a positive mindset and the right tools can help individuals navigate their grief journey and live a full life despite their loss.

24. What challenges have you faced recently, Covid-19 related or otherwise, on which you are working?

I have found no adult interaction; therefore, I have sought opportunities to have meaningful conversations with adults. The isolation of grief, the covid, and moving to a new state have made it challenging to make friends and socialize. I actively seek opportunities to interact with people of different ages.

25. How would you want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered as open-minded, fun, loving, empathetic, kind, caring, respectful, empowering, accepting, grateful, and spread hope and love, authentic, giving, and trusting.

That's a beautiful mindset to have! Being open-minded, empathetic, kind, caring, respectful, empowering, grateful, and spreading hope and love can help you connect better with others and create a more positive and fulfilling life for yourself. It's important to remember that small acts of kindness and positivity can have a ripple effect and make a big difference in the world. Keep up the great attitude!

26. Who inspires you? 

I am inspired by my late mum and dad, late husband, three children, and the many philosophers, scriptures, and scholars in the self-help industry.

Acknowledging the people, experiences, and forces that have helped shape us into who we are today is essential. Gratitude can help us cultivate a positive outlook and attract more positivity into our lives.

Children can profoundly impact our lives, and their energy and enthusiasm can be contagious. 

I am committed to nurturing all aspects of well-being, i.e., emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health.

The reminder to embrace each new day and appreciate life’s simple pleasures, such as the scent of roses, is powerful. Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of daily life, we can forget to slow down and appreciate the beauty around us. By taking the time to savor these small moments, we can find joy and fulfillment in our lives.

27. How would you summarize your life? 

My life has been an interesting journey of self-discovery. The many life-changing experiences that came my way have taken me on a path to discovering myself. Living in a consciously aware state, practicing meditation, breathing techniques, and learning to channel my thoughts have been my friends as I travel this path.

It has not been easy, but having these tools and knowing how to help myself and when to seek professional help has helped me grow. I have learned three important things from my life experiences: Embrace, Empower, and Evolve.

28. How can people contact and  hire you to speak?

Business name: - Growth StoryHub

Social media: https://www.facebook.com/GrowthStoryHub

website: www.storyoutellyourself.com

email: ashramadhav@storyoutellyourself.com

425-677-0788

Facebook page link: Growth StoryHub | Facebook

Instagram handle: Growthstoryhub

Twitter: @Growthstoryhub

Linked in profile: www.linkedin.com/in/ashmeeta-madhav-93802922

1. Please introduce yourself and your focus and mission.

My name is Heather Leigh, and I am a survivor of seven years of sexual abuse at the hands of my former stepfather. My focus and mission in telling my story are to                    1. Spread the message that abuse is not the end of the story, and                                       2. There is hope for recovery in the name of Jesus, and                                                       3. To show other survivors that there is power in telling your story.

2. As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history with abuse experience. 

My abuse began in August 2001- I was ten years old. It started with nighttime visits a few times a week. He would abuse me and then whisper in my ear that it was just a dream, which led me to believe I was having nightmares. Over time, my stepfather continued grooming me, and eventually, he started abusing me during the day under the guise of it being a game. I trusted the lies he fed me because he held authority in my life. He was a father figure, and there was an expectation of trust and love.

The abuse continued to progress over time. Eventually, it was happening multiple times a day, every single day. My stepfather brainwashed me over the years to believe that everything happening was a normal part of growing up. I believed that every girl went through the same things and that it was my fault for leading him on with my blonde hair and blue eyes. 

I was also made to believe that I would go to jail if I told anyone the secret.

The abuse continued until May 17, 2009-I was 17. On this day, I attended a church service where I gave my full testimony for the first time in front of a 300-person congregation. Because I was still technically a minor (a month and ten days short of 18), the pastor had no choice but to make a report with CPS. That day, I admitted that I had taken an overdose of ibuprofen and was hoping it would kill me.

So, after the service, I was met by a CPS worker who interviewed me and determined that I needed to go to the ER to be cleared medically and then to the police department. I spent nearly two hours telling a female officer my story- detail for detail. After that interview, they placed me in foster care for a few days. Then the court proceedings began. My stepfather dragged things out as long as he could with the money he had until he finally pleaded guilty to two counts of rape. He was sentenced on February 5, 2010, to 17 years in state prison.

3. You have written nine books. Please give us the titles and a little bit about them. 

Yes, I have written a total of nine books and have gone through the process of self-publishing five of them. The titles of my published books are:

The Niteo Chronicles: Lies Undone

The Joy That Is Coming

Underneath It All

Be (fear) less

Highlights of a Twisted Mind

My first book is an urban fantasy version of my story told through a character I created named Cassie. The book is the first in a series of four, and the other three have been written but have yet to be published on Amazon because I am currently editing them. The second book will release in the Spring of 2023.

My second book is my memoir. It goes through my life, the abuse, and some of my more significant relationships. It also details my walk with faith and God, from my struggles to believe in him to where I stand on faith.

My third book is about a girl named Maddie who witnessed her mother's death when she was only seven years old. The book takes place ten years later when Maddie discovers that her father has been living a secret life behind her back, and it is up to her to figure out the truth. This book has a sequel that has been written but requires more edits and should release in the Summer of 2023.

My fourth book is the start of a 7-8 book series (I haven't decided yet) about Harper Faye Jackson, who "accidentally" committed murder one year ago. On the anniversary, a package arrives from "The Council" stating that she must be punished for her crime, and they are entering her into trials to defend her core emotions. If she does not complete the seven trials within their given time, she loses one core emotion at a time until she is left as one of the emotionless people. I have written the second book in this series and hope to release it in the Winter of 2023.

My fifth book is a poetry collection with poems written as early as high school and throughout my college years as an English Lit undergrad student.

The second, third, and fourth books of the Niteo series still need new titles- I'm working on them.

The sequel to Underneath It All still needs a title.

The second book in the emotion series is called Be (joy) ful. Each book in this series is in the beginning stages of being mapped out.

I am also working on another project, a devotional based on my blog entries from 2014-2021. It will bring a message of hope to all survivors, and I hope to finish that this Summer as well.

4 Is there one of your books that you feel more passionate about, and why?

I feel most passionate about my Niteo (Ni-Tay-Oh) series because I have been working on it since February 21, 2010, just a couple of weeks after my stepfather's sentencing for his crimes. This first book and the resulting series were born from doing narrative therapy and learning to share my story a little bit at a time. This book and its entire series are my brainchildren, and I have poured so much of myself into Cassie as a character. I have been where she is throughout this series, and we have grown up together over the last thirteen years of writing.

5. You have worked with mental illness and sexual abuse. Can you share your mission and how your message can affect the future?

My mission as a mental health counselor is to change the abuse narrative. I want to help others understand that the story does not end with abuse; instead, it begins with recovery. My message can affect the future by changing the narrative that many survivors are given when they finally talk about what happened to them. My goal is to make my therapy room a safe space for survivors to talk about their stories without fear of judgment, and my work (writing, art, and speaking) can be used for the same purpose.

6. Why is our society so reluctant to acknowledge and support mental illness and sexual abuse?

Our society is so unwilling to recognize and support mental illness and sexual abuse because it means being uncomfortable. It is much easier to turn a blind eye to the subjects if it means not having to sit with the uncomfortableness of listening to a survivor detail their most horrific moments. If we address these issues, we will get into uncomfortable territory, and most of us are unwilling to go there.

7. What signs should we be aware of with familial sexual abuse? 

Signs of familial sexual abuse include grooming—an older family member paying special attention to a younger person. This older person will tend to favor this younger person in public and plant all kinds of lies into their heads. My stepfather used to brush my hair for me and always wanted to watch me do my makeup and get dressed. He pushed boundaries that should never be pushed in that type of relationship. He would buy me age-inappropriate clothes and shoes. He made me believe everything he was doing was normal.

8. How has your experience affected your mother and your family dynamics? 

My experience has affected my mother and family dynamics greatly. Her primary emotion has been guilt. She believed many lies—things like she should have known better, and it was her fault for not knowing. This man shattered our family. But as I said in a previous answer-the story does not end there.

Although our family has struggled greatly, and I am maybe not as close to some of my family as I might have been without this abuse, I am now best friends with my mother and attached at the hip despite all the turmoil we have endured.

9. Is there any significant differences between male and female experiences with abuse? 

From my understanding, there are some significant differences between male and female experiences with abuse. I understand that male survivors tend to face more of a struggle when reporting because they are less likely to be believed, or they are simply less likely to report in the first place due to fear or embarrassment. I know that as a female survivor, I was scared to come forward because I was already known as a dramatic person for the way I reacted to my stepfather in later years, so there was a fear of not being believed or not being able to tell my whole story.

10. Can you explain the stigmas and misconceptions of abuse survivors?

The stigmas and misconceptions of abuse survivors include the believability factor primarily. So many survivors fear telling their stories because they don't know if anyone will believe what they have been through or chastise them for not doing more to play a role in their own rescue. Many survivors get asked why they didn't report sooner or why they were wearing a particular outfit or acting a certain way. The truth is that a survivor is a survivor regardless of the situation surrounding their abuse/assault.

11. What are some of your key components to help raise awareness for other organizations/individuals?

The most significant component to help raise awareness for other organizations/individuals is simply telling your story. I cannot stress enough how important it is to tell your story as often as possible and to whoever will listen. The easiest way to spread awareness of these horrific crimes is to flood the world with stories of survivors and their healing journeys. So many people feel their stories don't matter or won't make a difference, but there is nothing farther from the truth.

12. What suggestions can you provide to help survivors heal on their journey? 

My biggest suggestion to help survivors heal on their journey is to connect. Connect with a counselor you can trust. Connect with a support group where you'll find others like you. Connect, connect, connect. You are not alone in this fight, and there is no reason to believe or act like you are. Many people want to help, and we need to let them help.

13. Do you think religious background affects how a person experiences abuse?

I think religious background affects how a person experiences abuse because sometimes, as in my case, religion is built into the lie of the abuse. My stepfather began abusing me on a random weeknight, and that following Sunday, he introduced my brother and me to church for the first time and explained that we needed Jesus in life. While I still believe it is true that we all need Jesus, I also think that in the hands of an abuser, religion is a dangerous thing. Abusers know how to manipulate religious beliefs into something that serves their purpose and is far from the truth of what a relationship with God should be. I don't believe that God wants anyone to suffer, and I believe that a relationship with him will still include hardships, but it will never condone abuse/assault.

14. Why is it essential that we move through our trauma before it is possible to restore wholeness, experience lasting joy, and develop our true potential?

I believe it is essential that we move through our trauma in its entirety before we can restore wholeness because our trauma steals part of who we are. It changes the person permanently but not to the point that we can't be whole again. That wholeness will look a little different than it did pre-abuse. I know that a part of me will never be the same. My life has a line in the sand, time before abuse and time after abuse. Having that separation does mean I lost part of myself to the abuse. I feel I lost a typical childhood; I lost my innocence, my ability to trust, etc. But what I did not lose is the ability to be myself. I did not lose everything as I once believed I did. I have gained the ability to have new insights into life and a new perspective—which, to me, is worth what I went through.

15. What are some of your favorite projects? 

Some of my favorite projects are To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA), a project dedicated to helping those struggling with self-harm. I also like to see safe house projects helping trafficking and abuse survivors because this is where my heart truly lies.

16. How can parents help their children deal with abuse and mental illness?

Parents can help their children deal with abuse and mental illness by being there for them. Listen to your children when they are trying to have difficult conversations with you and initiate the difficult conversations yourself if you suspect something is happening. As a child, I needed someone to ask me the hard questions because I was too scared to admit them myself.

17. Why are so many survivors still stuck in victim mode? 

So many survivors are still stuck in victim mode because they don't receive the help they need. Victims are doomed to remain in that mentality without interventions like counseling, hotlines, medications, open beds in safe houses, support groups, and the like. A key to my survival has known that other people have suffered in silence the same way I have and that there is hope for a brighter future.

18. Are there ways that a person can identify that they need help themself?

I think the easiest way to determine that you need help is to ask yourself hard questions like, "is this general sadness or maybe depression?" "Am I just worried, or is this anxiety?" "Am I struggling because I was hurt and never got help, or is something else going on?" These aren't easy answers to face, but they are necessary.

19. Do you have anything you feel inspired about and working toward in the future?

My writing and speaking career inspire me. Although speaking is a new gig, I look forward to as many opportunities as possible. I love sharing my story and healing journey with others; this is extremely important for more survivors to do the same. I am working toward finishing the books I mentioned earlier and expanding my counseling skills so I can someday travel and help people all over find the healing they need.

20. What words describe you the best and why?

So, each year my mom and I pick a word for the year to focus and pray on, and for 2023 my word is 'opportunity' because I feel as though I am being presented with many different opportunities to share my story that I have never had before. I need to jump at every opportunity to speak up because I was silent for too long.

21. What do you want others to take away from your messages, speaking engagements, book, and writings?

I want others to take away hope and healing from my messages, speaking engagements, and writings. I believe no survivor should have to embark on their healing journey alone, and my greatest dream is to advocate for as many survivors as possible.

22. Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?

I have had so many positive blessings in my life. My mother figures have been tremendous blessings. My biological mom and I are best friends again, and my late foster mom was such a gracious woman, and I am so lucky to have known her and been a part of her life. My father and I are in the best place we have ever been, and I know he is there to support me through every adventure I want.

Apart from those people, my biggest joyous blessing has been my relationship with God. I am still working on it, and I fail him every day, but he still loves me no matter what, and I can't help but beultimately thankful for such a loving father figure in my life.

23. If you could give one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?

One message of hope I would extend to survivors, or their families would be that they are not alone in their journey. They do not have to do anything alone. A quote I once heard says, "You survived the abuse, you can survive the recovery," and I love that message because it is so true.

24. What challenges have you faced in recent months, Covid-19 related or otherwise, on which you are working?

My biggest challenges have been dealing with some of my deeper issues through therapy. I am engaged in weekly trauma therapy called EMDR, and it gets intense at times, and getting to the core of what tried to break me is not easy. I am also working on balancing my time between everything I want to be doing because I have to work and earn money to pay bills, and advocacy is not always a paid gig.

25. How would you want to be remembered?

I would want to be remembered as someone who was there for others. I want to be remembered as the person that everyone could flock to when they needed help, and that always had open arms. My foster mom left this legacy behind, and I want to have the same kind of legacy.

26. Who inspires you? 

My biggest inspiration is my mom. She has been through all of this hardship with me and faced so many of her demons both from childhood and adulthood, and yet she keeps going, and she is following her dreams now more than ever.

27. How would you summarize your life?

I summarize my life as one of growth and change. Life has certainly not been easy for me. I have faced many challenges and am still determining where I would be without those challenges. I am thankful for the ability to be challenged and overcome those hardships. I am grateful for the ability to heal from even the deepest wounds.

28. Where can people hire you to speak?

The easiest way to contact me about speaking is through email because I check my email several times a day. 

My email is heathermo91@yahoo.com. 

You can also message me through my Facebook/Instagram

pages at Heather Leigh Creative (Facebook) or Heather_Leigh_Creative (Instagram).

An Athletes Silence is proud to present our Spotlight Series of interviews highlighting the fantastic work organizations and individuals worldwide are doing to combat sexual exploitation and abuse of all kinds. Neither religious nor partisan, we are proud to platform the work of different groups and organizations from across the spectrum who have a shared purpose: to end all forms of sexual exploitation. 

1. Please introduce yourself and your focus and mission.  

Hi there! My name is Grace French. I am a dancer, marketer, strategist, and founder. I currently work in Ann Arbor as a marketing professional and also as the President and Founder of The Army of Survivors (TAOS). As a survivor of the now defamed Michigan State University doctor, I have dedicated my life to changing the culture of sport, consent, and institutional accountability to ensure no one has to endure sexual violence or abuse. I am one of the recipients of the 2018 Arthur Ashe Courage Award, a 2018 Glamour Women of the Year awardee, and a 2021 Liberty Bell awardee.   

I founded TAOS, whose mission is to bring awareness, accountability, and transparency to sexual violence against athletes.  

The organization was the vision of over 40 survivors of sexual violence. We are a diverse pool of athletes who have competed at all levels: gymnasts, divers, runners, softball players, volleyball players, and more. Our collective history and experiences allow us to raise awareness of the systemic problem of sexual abuse against athletes. Our goal is to end sexual assault against young athletes by ensuring perpetrators and enablers are held accountable, creating transparency in reporting, building an environment where athletes do not fear retaliation when reporting abuse, and advocating for change to protect survivors. 

TAOS is the only national organization advocating for and supporting child athlete survivors of sexual violence. We focus on these survivors because their numbers are staggering. A recent study indicated that 13% of student-athletes are victims of sexual assault through their participation in sport (1).   

With participation levels as they are today, there are at least 5.91 million survivors in the United States alone (2)(3).  

The work I've done with TAOS in survivors' rights and advocacy for athletes' rights has led me to speak at the United Nations General Assembly in 2019. There, I urged the passage of a Worldwide Survivor Bill of Rights. Additionally, I work globally on several projects to increase athlete rights and child safeguarding.   

In Michigan, I have worked to pass three laws that expanded the statute of limitations and mandatory reporting. In 2019, I worked with leading national organizations to pass the Empowering Olympic, Paralympic, and Amateur Athletes Act of 2020, which expanded athlete rights nationally. In Michigan, I serve as a Title IX advisory board member for U.S. Representative Elissa Slotkin.   

As a former dancer, I am blessed to continue working in dance education by coaching at a nationally recognized youth studio in Canton, Michigan.   

2. As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history with abuse experience.  

I grew up in the suburbs of Lansing, Michigan, working toward my dream of becoming a professional ballerina. By that age, I was in a dance studio every day after school and for 12-15 hours on the weekends. But a game of red rover on the playground at 12 would dramatically alter the course of my life.   

That day, I sprained my wrist. Knowing that I had gymnastics practices and multiple shows with my pre-professional dance company coming up, my parents did the logical: ask around for the best sports medicine doctor. Everyone said the same thing. "Go see Dr. Larry Nassar."  

So, from the age of 12 to 19, I saw Larry routinely. And I was abused at every appointment. I never questioned it a single time. 

(1) https://files.cargocollective.com/c520687/World-Players_CARE-Report-2021-.pdf

(2) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3871410/

(3) https://www.ncaa.org/sports/2021/7/22/student-athletes.aspx 

3. Can you share the experience of standing beside other gymnasts while addressing Nassar?  

The case of my perpetrator enthralled the world in disgust and shock when in 2018, over 500 victims came forward to accuse the former Olympic gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar of sexual abuse. The cases of abuse spanned decades and involved athletes in volleyball, soccer, diving, gymnastics, dance, and many more. After seeing some of my friends step forward bravely to tell their stories, I began to realize how eerily similar their stories sounded to what I had experienced. In January of 2018, I had the realization I had been abused and came forward with my story.  

I came to know the other survivors of this case well. There were many late-night phone calls when we were experiencing insomnia or panic attacks. We were bound together through trauma. And affectionately, we called ourselves the sister survivors.   

After coming forward as an army in 2018, the sister survivors fought for accountability and cultural change as a group of individuals. We sought to hold the enablers of our abuser accountable, some of whom had known for decades. We worked to hold the institutions accountable, which had known for decades. The first report of Larry’s abuse to Michigan State University was when I was two years old.    

We saw some of those changes come about as we put our lives on the line. But we also received threats. People we thought were our friends, and in some cases even our family members, told us we were lying. I received messages on Facebook in support of Larry and even messages from Instagram accounts pretending to be him.   

Despite the challenges we faced, many sister survivors said they found advocacy work healing. As we came forward as an army, the power that we held together inspired me. The Army of Survivors was born from the desire to heal and create positive change.   

4. Can you share how you created The Army Of Survivors? Take a moment to talk about some of your most significant projects.   

I saw the healing that was happening through the advocacy work we did, and I wanted to make sure the momentum we had did not stop once the media attention faded. That's when the idea for the Army of Survivors formed. It was to create change at a national and global level and create a source of healing and hope for athlete survivors through advocacy.   

5. Your main focus has been on sexually abused athletes. Why is this group overlooked or marginalized more than other groups?  

Child athletes, like all children, need the right support so that they experience healthy development. But right now, elite child athletes are at risk for experiences that harm their development, including physical injury, psychological burnout, and abuse (emotional, physical, and sexual). Too often, coaches and sports institutions are only concerned about winning and willingly put children at risk of physical and mental harm. And because sports institutions give coaches too much power, abuse is common and goes unchecked. Child athletes have the same needs as other children and the needs specific to their role as athletes.  

In addition to unchecked power, there is a focus on outcomes rather than wellbeing; the public often sees athletes as superhuman. When people think that child athletes are superhuman (as more than just children or mere humans), it is hard for them to see that child athletes need the same things as other children. All children need socialization with other children and support for mental health and development, in addition to the training and support they receive in their role as athletes. People have a hard time seeing that superhuman children can actually get hurt or need breaks for their bodies and minds to develop well or heal.  

Source: Communicating about Child Athlete Wellbeing: Challenges, Opportunities, and Emerging Recommendations by Frameworks. January 2021.     

6. Why is it so hard to identify abused athletes? Why are so many athletes reluctant to report?   

Generally, RAINN ((https://www.rainn.org/) gives us a good understanding of why sexual violence victims choose to report, or not to:   

Of the sexual violence crimes reported to police from 2005-2010, the survivor reporting gave the following reasons for doing so: 

● 28% to protect the household or victim from further crimes by the offender 

● 25% to stop the incident or prevent recurrence or escalation 

● 21% to improve police surveillance or they believed they had a duty to do so 

● 17% to catch/punish/prevent offender from reoffending 

● 6% gave a different answer, or declined to cite one reason 

● 3% did so to get help or recover loss  

Of the sexual violence crimes not reported to police from 2005-2010, the victim gave the following reasons for not reporting: 

● 20% feared retaliation 

● 13% believed the police would not do anything to help 

● 13% believed it was a personal matter 

● 8% reported to a different official 

● 8% believed it was not important enough to report 

● 7% did not want to get the perpetrator in trouble 

● 2% believed the police could not do anything to help 

● 30% gave another reason, or did not cite one reason  

Within sport, additional barriers to reporting may include: 

● Fear of retaliation by coaching or training staff 

● Not understanding it was assault or abuse  

● Not knowing how or where to report 

● Fear of being sidelined or kicked off the team 

● Fear that reporting would jeopardize a career 

● Fear that reporting could jeopardize scholarship or other financial incentives 

● Threats from perpetrators (financial, physical, or emotional)  

7. You are involved in dance as well. Is dance experiencing the same type of scrutiny regarding sexual abuse as sports, like gymnastics?  

Recently, we've seen previously respected conventions, choreographers, and people in this industry accused of grooming, abuse, harassment, and abuse of power. It's been amazing to see an army of survivors, allies, and dance professionals forming in real-time in response to the scrutiny.   

8. What suggestions can you provide to help survivors heal on their journey?   

In my healing journey, the biggest lesson that I learned is that asking for help does not make you weak. In the beginning, I was afraid to ask for what I needed from others in my life, which led to a lot of burnout and not being able to take care of myself effectively. But when I started clearly stating what I needed from others and asking for help, I focused on healing.   

Additionally, learn the power of "no." Trauma survivors often have people-pleasing tendencies, which means that all too often, we feel as if we must say "yes" to everything that comes our way. Learn the power of your "no" so that you can protect your "yes."   

9. Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?  

Besides being a part of the rapidly growing Army of Survivors, it's been a blessing to be able to be back in the dance studio as a coach. I've found lots of joy in inspiring young dancers to be their best and to love their sport.   

Additionally, in August of 2021, my boyfriend proposed to me while hiking in Glacier National Park! We will be getting married in 2023, and I could not be more excited.   

It's been amazing to celebrate my love for dance again, as well as my love of my now fiancé. I cannot wait for more that is to come.   

10. If you can give one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?  

Survivors, you are not alone. The world is better with you in it, and your voice deserves to be heard. You deserve justice.  

For families, remember that secondary trauma is real. Your emotions are valid. Make sure you are also taking care of yourself.   

And to everyone who has been impacted by trauma: Remember to give yourself grace because healing isn't linear.   

11. Where can people find your work?  

Follow Us 

Facebook @thearmyofsurvivors  

Instagram @thearmyofsurvivors 

Twitter @survivorsarmy 

Linkedin /the-army-of-survivors  

Contact Us 

Email 

info@thearmyofsurvivors.org  

Follow Grace 

Instagram: @gfrench555 

LinkedIn: /grace-french  

Contact Grace 

Email 

gfrench@thearmyofsurvivors.org 

An Athletes Silence is proud to present our Spotlight Series of interviews highlighting the fantastic work organizations and individuals worldwide are doing to combat sexual exploitation and abuse of all kinds. Neither religious nor partisan, we are proud to platform the work of different groups and organizations from across the spectrum who have a shared purpose: to end all forms of sexual exploitation. 

1. Would you please introduce yourself, your book, and the focus of your speaking engagements?

I’m Kim Rhodenbaugh Lewallen, a 1984 Olympic swimmer, author, speaker, wife, mother, and grandmother.

My book is called Master of the Mask: An Olympic Swimmer's Long Journey to Freedom.

I speak to teams, schools, and women's groups primarily. Some of the topics I cover in my talks are my story, faith, identity, the power of forgiveness, sexual abuse prevention and warning signs, getting rid of toxic shame, and replacing lies with truth.

2. Take a moment and talk about the organization you founded, Freedom Now, and your mission and impact.

I almost didn't answer this, but I thought people could learn from my mistake! I started a non-profit back in 2020 called Freedom Now. I got it all set up, but my focus was on promoting my book, so I put the non-profit to the side. At the beginning of this year, another organization reached out to me and told me that they had trademarked the name Freedom Now, and they were going to sue me if I didn't change my name. I knew about this other organization, but because I was able to get a 501 (c) (3) and incorporate in the state of Texas as well as get a domain, I didn't think there was a problem. After all, there's Dove chocolate and Dove soap, I thought! But unfortunately, I learned the hard way that you probably need to go through a trademark attorney to ensure that nobody else has trademarked the name you would like to use. That is what I'm doing now. As soon as I can get a new name, which may take a while, my focus will be on giving hope and help to sexual abuse victims by being a landing site with many resources and raising money to offset the cost of treatment programs.

3. Can you take a moment and explain how sports can be the perfect arena for predators?

Sports can be a perfect arena for predators in many ways. First, coaches and trainers tend to have very close relationships with their athletes and have a lot of unsupervised access to them. They hold positions of trust and authority that often keep a child from reporting abuse to their parents or other authority figures. In particular, Swimming has had a long history of having a culture that makes it particularly vulnerable for athlete-on-athlete abuse, which is what I experienced. There are many power imbalances due to age, gender, and notoriety. There is an even more significant age gap between athletes where 30 + year old men are training, traveling, and socializing with sometimes 12 or 13-year-old females. It's not normal for kids to be socializing with adults. But, unfortunately, this is normal often in our sport. I looked at the men who assaulted me as peers instead of grown men. This was the culture back then, and I'm afraid this is why sexual assault continues to thrive in sports where boys, girls, and adults train, travel and socialize together.

4. As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history with your abusive experience.

I was first sexually abused when I was 6 years old by a teenager in the neighborhood. When I was 14 and on the national team competing for the United States, I was sexually assaulted by an older swimmer. At 16, I was raped by another swimmer once again on a national team. My senior year in high school was also an Olympic Year in 1984. It should have been the highlight of my career, but I was sexually assaulted by a brother figure on my team in Cincinnati. That probably hit me the hardest because I had known this person and trusted him since I was little. I went on to be raped three more times in college. Some people reading this might have felt the same way I did-- like I had antennae on my head, and the abusers could find me. I struggled with just about everything that a sexual abuse victim can identify with: I had an eating disorder, struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, had depression, anxiety, severe PTSD as well as tried to commit suicide two times.

5. What inspired you to write about these experiences?

For years I read stories about coaches abusing their athletes and then, of course, the brave gymnasts who came forward about Larry Nassar. But, there were very few stories about athlete-on-athlete abuse, which is part of what I went through. After much prayer and much healing and hard work, I felt the need to share my story but wasn't sure how to do it. I reached out to a good friend and 1984 Olympic teammate, Nancy Hogshead-Makar. Nancy had her own story of being raped and became a lawyer and an advocate for victims. She has also written a lot of significant legislation to prevent sexual abuse, primarily in sports. After hearing my story, she encouraged me to write an article which I did three years ago. It ended up getting published and went somewhat viral. The response I got was incredible! I heard from many people, including athletes, coaches, and parents. I heard from many people who were sharing their stories of abuse for the first time. I realized I needed to go deeper, so that's when my book Master of the Mask was birthed.

6. Can you share more in regards to Master of the Mask? 

I felt very led to writing Master of the Mask in three parts. The first part is my story, the second part is about my healing journey, and the last part is a call to action with many valuable resources and measures of prevention and warning signs. I include great information for survivors and parents, coaches, teens, and college-age adults.

7. Many of the readers at An Athlete's Silence are on a healing journey from sexual abuse trauma. How can your work and book help us on our journey?

Hearing other people's stories is incredibly healing and gives others a voice! After reading many stories, that's what happened for me and gave me the courage to finally get the help I needed. As I said, I do talk about my healing journey in my book. I thought it was important to share because it gives people something tangible. What I realized is I needed to get well in mind, body, and spirit. Abuse is like cancer, wreaking havoc on the whole person! A great book called The Body Keeps the Score addresses what happens to the brain, mind, and body when trauma is untreated. If you are reading this, have also gone through sexual abuse, and are struggling with alcohol and/or drug addiction, please learn from my story. Addiction is definitely a self-diagnosed illness. Only you can make that decision for yourself. I realized that until I was ready to get sober, I couldn't go through healing. My addiction was keeping me so numb and disconnected from the ability to do the hard work. It wasn't until I got sober that I was able truly to begin my healing journey. 

8. What are some of the critical lessons you include in your book, Master of the Mask: An Olympic Swimmer's Long Journey to Freedom.

I talk about the danger of keeping silent and living in shame. Our secrets do make us sick. And mine almost killed me … literally. 

It took me until I was almost 48 years old, finally, to get the help I so desperately needed. One/third of children who have been sexually abused tell someone, one/third never tell, and one/third tell around the age of 48, so I guess I was right on track! Unfortunately, society doesn't make it easy on victims. There is a lot of revictimization going on with statements like, "Why don't you just get over it?" Or worse yet, "Why didn't you stop them?" We need to be careful who we tell, but we MUST tell to get the help we need! There is no healing in darkness, but the moment we step out of that dark place and begin to share our story is the moment light begins to shine in those dark places, and healing begins!

9. How do you suggest changing the negative self-talk we tell ourselves when facing everyday problems or seeming insurmountable challenges?

This is something I'm very passionate about!! The Bible says to take EVERY thought captive unto the obedience of Christ. Even if you're not a Christian, the principle and practice of taking thoughts captive are incredibly important, especially if they're lies! At first, this can be all-consuming! But when you notice what you think, it's amazing the lies that sexual abuse survivors believe! They often come in the first person, like, "I'm so stupid," or "I'm defective." Many people probably remember the Saturday Night Live skit with Stuart Smalley. He would look at himself in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm strong enough, and doggonit people like me!" We all used to laugh, but it's an essential concept!! We need to speak the truth over ourselves and capture the lies keeping us from being our true selves!

10. How can we discover our talents and resources through our disadvantages?

There is a great faith-based song that I used to listen to called "How Would I Know" by Kathy Troccoli that says, "If there hadn't been for the times I was down, if there hadn't been for the times I was bound, how would I know? How would I know You could deliver, how I know You could set free, if there had never been a battle, how would I know the victory?" On this side of freedom, I've realized that if there hadn't been the abuse and everything I needed to do to get through it, I would have never become the incredible warrior I am now! Every single sexual abuse survivor I've met, who has done the hard work, is absolute a rock star! They are some of the strongest people I have ever met! As I heard one time, there is definitely purpose from pain!

11. How were you able to maintain the stress of sexual abuse and the stress of being an elite athlete? Did this add any more stress to your psyche when you appeared on the cover of Wheaties?

I was able to handle the stress for a little while, but each time I was sexually abused, it stripped away another piece of my identity and self-confidence. In 1982, I was at the top of my game, winning two World Championship silver medals. But that was also the meet another swimmer raped me. By the time I was sexually assaulted by my brother figure, I was a mess. Quite frankly, I don't know how I even made the Olympic team. At the time, I had a horrible eating disorder and was drinking and smoking pot to escape my racing, anxious thoughts. I believe the abuse affected my chances of medaling. I was amazed that some of these gymnasts, who had also been sexually abused, were able to achieve what they did! It's incredible how the mind can sometimes compartmentalize. But untreated trauma will eventually have its way!

12. Do you think religious background has any effects on a person's success?

I can only speak on my experience about faith. For me personally, my faith in Christ has been instrumental in my healing. As I said, I believe abuse affects the whole person. I had to learn to put faith over fear. The Bible is filled with what I believe is the truth about who God says I am. My identity was so stripped away, and I had to learn how to look at myself through God's eyes and rely on His strength to help me. Of course, he doesn't make us puppets! I had to do the hard work and trust Him along the way.

13. What are some of your work's key components to help change organizations/individuals?

I had approached United States Swimming a couple of years ago to share my story. I thought it was imperative to put a face to statistics and help in any way I could. Any sport under the Olympic/Paralympic movement, like USA Swimming, now have a SafeSport department. SafeSport has a curriculum to help protect athletes against all forms of abuse. It's great in theory, but it's words on paper. After speaking to athletes on teams, I found out most of them wanted to get through the curriculum to be certified. My story made quite an impact, no longer just being words on a page. Our stories are vital and powerful in helping protect and support others who are going through sexual abuse. My goal is to continue helping teams, schools, and families to arm themselves with life-saving information, as well as give survivors hope that they too can become free from the abuse.

14. What suggestions can you provide to help survivors heal on their journey?

I've already talked about a few things regarding healing, but one thing I believe is imperative to speak of forgiveness. For me, I realized that my unforgiveness was killing me. I know it sounds crazy to some of you who have been abused to forgive, but for me personally, this was something I had to do. I've heard that unforgiveness is a poison you drink, thinking it will kill the other person. All I know is my hatred for my abusers was keeping me in the dark place. It was challenging, but every day I would ask God to help me, and I would say, "I forgive..." I repeated it until I believed it. I've learned that feelings can't be the barometer of truth in life, and I'm not saying feelings are not necessary. But sometimes, I've had to act on truth instead of feelings. For me, forgiveness was a truth I had to face head-on. If I had acted on feeling, I truly believe I would still be locked up in a mental prison of hatred.

15. What signs should a parent, friend, co-worker look for to help a person in an abusive relationship?

According to RAINN (The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), here are some warning signs in teens and college-age adults: 

1. Unusual weight gain or weight loss. 

2. Unhealthy eating patterns, like a loss of appetite or excessive eating. 

3. Signs of physical abuse such a bruising. 

4. Sexually transmitted infections or other genital infections. 

5. Signs of depression such as persistent sadness, lack of energy, changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawal from normal activities, and feeling down. 

6. Anxiety or worry. 

7. Failing grades. 

8. Changes in self-care include paying less attention to hygiene, appearance, or fashion than they usually do. 

9. Self-harming behavior. 

10. Expressing thoughts about suicide or suicidal behavior. 

11. Drinking or drug use. 

12. Avoiding specific situations or places.

I also teach about ten warning signs of being in an abusive relationship, which are: 

1. Checking your cell phone or email without permission. 

2. Constantly putting you down. 

3. Extreme jealousy or insecurity. 

4. Explosive temper. 

5. Isolating you from family's or friends' sex. 

6. Making false accusations. 

7. Mood swings. 

8. Physically hurting you in any way. 

9. Possessiveness. 

10. Telling you what to do.

16. Do you have anything you are feeling inspired about and working toward in the future?

I'm excited to get my non-profit going so that I can begin helping sexually abused survivors. I will continue to speak to any group or podcast and possibly write another book someday. 

17. What words describe you the best and why?

I am a woman of faith and integrity who never gives up on a person because God never gave up on me!

18. What do you want others to take away from your book and speaking engagements?

I want others to be empowered to be all that God intends them to be. I want to give others who have gone through sexual abuse a voice. My hope is that it helps others know they're not alone and that they, too, can find freedom from abuse.

19. Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?

After 24 years of marriage ended in divorce, I married the man of my dreams five years ago. My kids now have a mom who they're proud of, and we have an excellent relationship! I'm also incredibly blessed by my husband's four children, as well as our five grandchildren! My amazing family and friends have stood by my side, and I am forever grateful to them! Many people have come into my life due to me sharing my story who have become tremendous blessings. But God is my biggest blessing, as well as the person He has helped me become!. My cup overflows!

20. If you can give one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?

You can recover and be stronger than you've ever been before! I'm a living testimony of this!

21. What are some challenges you have faced in recent months, Covid-19 related or otherwise?

It has had such an extreme burden for my friends and family this year, as well as our world! I've focused on being thankful as well, keeping faith over fear. I recently heard that regret looks back, fear looks around, worry looks in, and faith looks up. Love that! James 1:2-4 has helped me stay in gratitude. It says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

22. How would you want to be remembered?

A woman of faith who loves much! I genuinely believe that how people love makes them great!

23. Who inspires you?

Abuse survivors who are using their voices to help others. As Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness and is our most accurate measurement of courage."

24. How would you summarize your book? 

Master of the Mask is about my long journey to freedom from horrific sexual assaults in my life. It's a harrowing story but has a great ending! I lay out a path to freedom, offering victims of sexual assault encouragement and hope through my story and providing valuable resources and measures of prevention. 

25. Where can people purchase your books and hire you to speak?

You can find my book on Amazon in the Kindle format, or you can get a hard copy from my publisher at:

https://nationofwomenpublishing.com/product/master-of-the-mask/

For all speaking engagements, please contact me at: kimlewallen26@gmail.com.

An Athletes Silence is proud to present our Spotlight Series of interviews highlighting the fantastic work organizations and individuals worldwide are doing to combat sexual exploitation and abuse of all kinds. Neither religious nor partisan, we are proud to platform the work of different groups and organizations from across the spectrum who have a shared purpose: to end all forms of sexual exploitation. 

1. Please introduce yourself, your book, and the focus of your speaking engagements.

My name is Cecilia Tement, and I am a Transformational Coach, Energy Healer, and Spiritual Channel. I wrote a book about growing up in a violent home with my abusive father, and I reimagine all of my childhood memories so I am in control and able to provide comfort and solace to my mother and brother during violent incidents. I speak about the power of transforming anger into love and the importance of releasing the pain of unforgiveness. My father wrote a letter at the end of my book and talks about how vital it is to treat children with love, kindness, and compassion.

2. What is a Transformational Story Coach?

I help people to transform their old, stuck stories into empowering and inspiring narratives that can change their lives by learning to lean into their inner truth and authenticity.

3. Take a moment and talk about your organization, Heal Your Story with Cecilia Tement, your mission, and your impact.

I founded Heal Your Story as a means of helping people who are ready to stop struggling to heal from trauma and abuse. We tend to play in toxic cycles of healing and then falling back into our old habits. I believe that by pulling up our past from the roots, understanding and embodying our lessons of pain, we can learn to live powerfully in the present with passion and clarity.

4. As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history with your abuse experience.

I remember my father towering over me, stepping forward to punch my mom. It was a scene that happened all too many times, and I knew there was only one thing I could do. I put myself in between and pushed my dad with all my might. He fell backward and punched a hole in the wall instead.

I stared at that hole every day, and it reminded me of the hell I was living.

I was eight years old.

After that, I spent my childhood in deep depression, emotional pain, and constant anxiety.

At 14, I even tried to cut into my chest with a large kitchen knife, but I couldn't do it. I wanted nothing more than to be free of the abuse and couldn't understand why no matter how good a girl I was, it was never enough. I still got hit, got yelled at, and could never make my dad happy. He even cried in my lap, apologizing, after dragging me downstairs and throwing me out of the house in my bare feet in the middle of winter. And that just left me confused, heartbroken, and scared. I was constantly moving between love and hate and wanted to earn my father's love, but felt repulsed by him all at the same time.

After my parents divorced, my dad moved to Hong Kong, and I continued to have nightmares, feel inadequate, and struggle with my self-esteem. I became lost and challenged by my violent memories. Eventually, my feelings of not being enough morphed into anger. Outright rage. I blamed my father for all of the things that had not worked out in my life. I was furious with him for leaving my mother with a pile of his debt, not knowing how to be a better dad, and for abandoning us in our time of need.

Even though he was not around, his presence was felt. His actions had been impactful enough to affect me terribly throughout my life. I created, attracted, and fed into toxic relationships and people who would only take advantage of me. But I do not hold them responsible for my heartache. I went willingly. I wanted the love, attention, and appreciation of narcissists. Because in my mind, they represented my dad - the one narcissist I could never win over. 

Three years ago, my life changed forever when I confronted my dad about the abuse. I told him that I would invite him to have a real relationship with me in the spirit of love and forgiveness, but he had to admit to what he did and didn't get to invalidate my experiences of the abuse. It was the first time we ever really talked about everything. I fully and freely forgave him, and we started a new relationship rooted in truth and love.

That same day my very best friend was killed, and the next day my entire world shattered when I found out what happened. It was from that moment on that I knew I didn't have a moment to waste. Life happens faster than we realize, and I knew I had to do something to change the way I was feeling dramatically. I had been suffering for too long under not-enoughness.

I now use my personal story as inspiration to fuel my journey in helping to change people's lives through coaching. I help dramatically shift my clients from feeling like victims to understanding how to RELEASE their old story, DISCOVER their true story and LIVE their authentic story. I believe that with help, hope, and love, anyone can heal their story from the inside - out.

5. What inspired you to write about these experiences?

I knew that I wanted to help other children heal from their abusive experiences, but I also wanted to hold perpetrators accountable. I knew it was essential to help stop the cycle of violence by looking at the source of the problem, which is generational trauma. So by telling my story, I want to shed light on the idea that many people who abuse do so because they were abused. And while hurt people, hurt people - healed people, heal people. And I want to be a healer who teaches others to deeply heal, so we don't pass on the habit of aggression and anger.

6. What made you decide on writing a children's book, If I Could, I Would: A Child's Journey from Abuse to Hope?

I wrote my book in the form of a children's book because I felt it would be relatable and easy to read and give people an understanding of how it might feel for a child to experience and witness abuse. The innocence of the words and the simply drawn images help to paint the picture of what it felt like for me. 

7. Do you feel that a child's point of view has a more powerful effect than an adult's?

I think I saw the world differently as a child. I wanted and needed to look up to my parents, so readers understand the profound impact childhood abuse can have by using a child's voice. 

8. Do you think religious background has any effects on how a person is abused?

I think that religions that are limiting, closed-minded and non-inclusive can contribute to complicating circumstances for abused individuals. 

9. What are some of your work's key components to help raise awareness for organizations/individuals?

My main goal is to help teach techniques to release anger in safe and respectful ways. I hope to share my story to help others think once, twice, three times before they open their mouths, raise a hand or express themselves in violent ways. I hope to work in the school system to educate children and parents alike to connect peacefully and with love. 

10. What suggestions can you provide to help survivors heal on their journey?

- Surround yourself with kind and non-judgmental people

- Get help to heal (through therapy, coaching, or support groups)

- Allow yourself to feel through all your emotions

- Self care regularly (journal, walk, meditate)

- Acknowledge where you are at and commend each step 

11. What do you mean by "Remain Solution Focused?"

During any healing journey, when we stay solution focused, no matter how 'stuck' we feel, we can discover creative and loving ways to work through every problem. What we focus on expands. 

12. How can we benefit from Inner Child Work?

We all have inner children who need to feel safe, protected, and grounded. When we work with our inner child, we give solace and relief to our scared and insecure minds. We provide our younger selves the love we have always deserved. When we heal our inner child, we tell our adult selves that all is well and we can let our guard down and live freely without hesitation or fear. 

13. Why are so many survivors still stuck in victim mode? 

Feeling like a victim can be a lifelong process when we have been abused. It can be difficult to shed that old skin. We almost get used to living life in limitation. And we don't always know how to give or accept love and, therefore, attract, manifest, and create toxic relationships and circumstances out of fear. So we stay in an endless cycle of thinking that things are happening to us instead of for us. 

14. Explain the "Power of Forgiveness." 

Forgiveness is so important on many levels. When we forgive others, we release the burden of carrying around bitterness. When we forgive ourselves, we exercise self-soothing and self-compassion, which are both vital to healing. 

15. What signs can people be aware of that they may be in danger of being groomed or a sexual abuse encounter?

If anyone feels uncomfortable, unsafe, is being given too much attention, found alone in a room with someone, those are all signs of possible sexual abuse. If they receive excessive compliments, gifts or feel a sense of being coerced or dominated, all of these are signs of possibly being groomed. If they are being threatened or touched inappropriately, that is also a tell-tale sign.  

16. What signs should a parent be aware of that could indicate that their child may be in danger of abuse?

A parent should look for children who may be showing signs of depression, isolation, and anxiety—a lack of wanting to communicate or symptoms of withdrawal.

17. Do you have anything you are feeling inspired about and working toward in the future?

I hope to speak widely about transforming anger into love and creating a movement of active healing around trauma and abuse. 

18. What words describe you the best and why?

I am open-hearted, compassionate, and dedicated to change because I care deeply for others and want what is best for their greatest and highest good. 

19. What do you want others to take away from your book and speaking engagements?

I want people to feel that they are the light after the dark and the love that they seek. 

20. Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?

I honestly think the most beautiful thing about life is that I get to live it. I have an amazing family with two beautiful daughters and a wonderful partner who motivates me to keep moving in the flow of love every day. 

21. If you can give one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?

Never give up on working through your trauma. There is so much beauty and goodness on the other side of your heartache. 

22. What are some challenges you have faced in recent months, Covid-19 related or otherwise?

This pandemic has taught me that life is precious, and we have to value each interaction as meaningful and impactful. We should never give up the opportunity to tell someone how we feel or how much they are valued. Everyone deserves to feel loved. 

23. How would you want to be remembered?

I want to be remembered as someone who left behind a legacy of healing and love. 

24. Who inspires you? 

My mother. She raised my brother and me as a single mom after my dad left and endured many hardships, but she never let it stop her from giving us the best life possible. 

25. How would you summarize your book?

It is a true story of pain to redemption that leaves the reader with a feeling of hope after abuse.

26. Where can people purchase your books and hire you to speak?

www.ceciliatement.com 

An Athletes Silence is proud to present our Spotlight Series of interviews highlighting the fantastic work organizations and individuals worldwide are doing to combat sexual exploitation and abuse of all kinds. Neither religious nor partisan, we are proud to platform the work of different groups and organizations from across the spectrum who have a shared purpose: to end all forms of sexual exploitation. 

Please introduce yourself, your book, and your focus of your speaking engagements.

For the last twenty-five years I have been passionate about the root of sexual abuse. My Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, combined with my own personal journey, has led me into ministry, counseling, founding and leading one of our nation’s largest sex trafficking organizations and championing the movement on a global scale. In all of this, I have worked with thousands of individuals that manifest an array of symptoms, but with a little digging, the mass root of sexual abuse is under it all. This is my passion. Shining a light in this hidden issue, which I call “America’s Best Kept Secret - Childhood Sexual Abuse”. I incorporate my personal healing journey and experiences of divorce, remarriage, being the mother of three, and more, to provide wisdom, healing, clarity and help women process and uncover areas in their lives where freedom is needed most.

I am the co-founder and CEO of The Selah Way Foundation, which brings together a collaborative network of leaders and best practices to globally eradicate sex trafficking and sexual abuse.

My debut book, Groomed, (Harper Collins, 2020), recounts my own story of grief, trauma and overcoming. It helps women discover how to live free of their past traumas, strongholds and the lies they have been groomed to believe about themselves. My passion is helping women step into the life they were created to live… free from shame, secrets and comparisons.

Take a moment and talk about your national organization, The Selah Way Foundation, your mission, and your impact. 

The Selah Way Foundation is a global network of organizations and initiatives in the anti-sex trafficking movement. Our mission is to eradicate this crime on a global scale through three Pillars: Prevention, Protection and Provision.  The Selah Way Foundation began as a vision in 2010 and has evolved into a catalytic platform to end sexual exploitation and sex trafficking. The organization's Co-Founders knew from the beginning that they would first establish Selah Freedom, followed by launching a foundation firmly rooted in the organization’s best practices and high impact model. Where Selah Freedom only focused domestically, The SelahWay Foundation works to end this crime on a global scale.

In 2018 it was time to bring this vision to life. The Selah Way Foundation has an innovative approach to delivering scalable solutions to a complicated and ever-evolving issue. It also creates an opportunity for industry leaders and vetted organizations doing similar work to maximize their impact by leveraging shared resources and synergies.

Today, The Selah Way Foundation's three Pillars and training arms create global change with an unparalleled approach to moving the needle forward to eradicate sex trafficking, abuse, and exploitation.

As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history with your abuse experience.

I was abused in a textbook type of way… the favorite “uncle”, whose home was a safe place for me all of my childhood, crossed the line when he molested me one morning on the way to church. The shock and switch I immediately felt as he went from someone who had once adored me and made me feel secure, to a figure of power and control, left me silenced. Being silent reinforced the belief which I already had from my grief of losing my sister that, no one would want to know or believe how I felt. Like the majority of molested children, the secret was mine to keep and led to acting out. This later led to being raped, which led to depression and years of struggles. Eventually I had an abortion which I covered up in complete shame. The abuse I endured as a young child snowballed into the choices I made. My lack of self-worth and the circumstances I put myself in only opened the door to more trauma.

What inspired you to write about these experiences?

I have had amazing healing and freedom from my past abuse and knew first-hand that getting beyond the secrets was the only true way out. From the strong, resilient, young trafficking survivors who we served, to many older women over the years, I saw that it is the shame and the secrets that keep us living beyond our calling and purpose. 

Can you explain your statement, "We've all been groomed"?

Whether sexually abused or not, we all have taken in messages that lead us to process and respond the way we do. My book touches on 5 prevalent ways – Groomed for appearances, to endure, to judge, to walk in financial fear and to be invisible. Even the most well intended childhoods leave some scars as we are all human. My book is provides an empowerment path to live free from those messages. It opens doors for you to look for more and rise above that which we often don’t even recognize as a hindrance.

Are there any differences between grooming females as opposed to males?

Males and females are both groomed. Men who have read my book have shared the many things it brought up about their own childhood such as conversations with their mothers, the role they played due to their relationship or lack of a relationship with their fathers or siblings. The dynamics of their sexual orientation play a much deeper role in the healing aspect for men in many cases, as well. Dynamics of questioning sexuality are often stirred up, and just as abuse and grooming works to steal our true identity, men and women are both deeply affected.

In your book, Groomed, you talk about "the messages we hear" and "the stories we tell," can you explain how these can be instrumental to the grooming process? 

Over time, a very basic way to look at it is that if a person hears the fact that they are beautiful, but they shouldn’t open their mouth and share their opinions and ideas, they learn that they are pretty, but hold o other value. They will allow themselves to be used more and more just for their looks. A mother who is very controlling, narcissistic who dresses her children up to accompany her everywhere looking “perfect” is grooming them to believe that they are meant to only make others look good. These messages can follow them their entire life. These are examples of ways people are groomed which lead them to settle into relationships and marriages which do not honor the true purpose for which they were created.

Do you think religious background has any effects on how a person is groomed?

I can speak to this very personally, because prior to being molested on the way to church by an uncle who was a worship leader, I was pretty much voted “last to ever have sex.” Once you are abused, though, it somehow shatters your entire gate of protection and you no longer feel like you matter or your boundaries matter. You put yourself into situations which are damaging and allow you to be abused and hurt again and again. The Bible speaks to not having sex before marriage and staying pure, but when someone does something to you and takes something from you, it somehow erodes the idea that there is even a possibility that you can save anything. You feel dirty and ashamed, which leads you into going into situations where people take more and more. I don’t believe I would have ever been raped had I not had that first experience as a child in which I was violated by someone I should have been able to trust, because I never would have put myself in a situation in where I was trying to numb the pain of what had happened to me.

What suggestions can you provide to help survivors heal on their journey?

I suggest that survivors pursue a book like mine, Groomed, and participate in a Groomed Group where they can receive healing and process being sexually abused. The greatest thing we can do is bring it to light! More and more people I meet have never told anyone and now they are in their 50s and 60s. Talking to God about it is important, but it is also vitally important that we talk to other people about it. Saying the words out loud and allowing it to be heard, witnessing others not rejecting you for what has happened to you, what you’ve done, is so powerful. In these groups you will hear other women share their stories and say, “me too!” and it creates a safe place to restore. This is why I love the group dynamic… everyone shares their stories and once shared, it allows others to feel freedom to share themselves. 

What are some signs of sex trafficking/sexual abuse people should be aware of?

· Top Indicators of Sex Trafficking/Exploitation

· Signs of or history of emotional, sexual, or other physical abuse, sexually transmitted diseases 

· Unexplainable appearance of expensive gifts, clothing, or other costly items 

· Presence of an older boy/girlfriend 

· Minor in the company of a controlling third party

· Lack of knowledge about a given community or whereabouts 

· Bruising and injuries, signs of branding/tattoos

· Runaway/homeless 

· Lying about age, giving false ID and/or no ID 

· Well-rehearsed and/or inconsistent stories

Does grooming have to result in sexual abuse to have long-lasting effects? 

Grooming is far more than sexual abuse. Many people live in verbal abuse or were raised by narcissistic parents, many were physically abused or even ignored for their entire lives. There is a whole chapter in my book about this… Groomed to be invisible. Grooming to erode who you were created to be can come in many forms.

What words describe you the best and why?

I would say that the words which best describe me are: authentic, resilient, advocate, and adamant for people to step into their place of authority in this world. I have overcome much in my life and thanks to those experiences, my heart is moved by the brokenness of others. My greatest desire is to watch women, and all people, really, to step into their full potential and identity by overcoming the secrets and shame of the past. The only way we can do this, is by unapologetically embracing who we are.

What do you want others to take away from your book and speaking engagements?

I want people to be inspired and truly believe that they can overcome the past. They don’t have to allow their past traumas to depict what their future holds. I want them to step out of fear, comparison and the messages they have been groomed to believe and live life free, connected and full of purpose!

Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?

The greatest blessing is that I was able to get into a chapter in my book that discusses “never-vows.” There were so many things in my life that I swore I would never do, and I had so much judgement against myself for letting them happen. Today I am on the other side of that, and I am thrilled to be walking in freedom. I never thought I would be able to say that I am ok with having been divorced, but I am, and I am married to the most amazing man! Because of this, my children are healing and being blessed by my remarriage and the stability and love it has brought into our lives. They are out of the abusive, erratic environment that they were once in. A lot of things that I said I would never do, I am now on the other side of. I like the humility I now bring to life. I like to say now, “never trust a man who doesn’t walk with a limp.” I think that going through very difficult situations and healing from those things makes us very humble and gives us a whole new depth of gratitude and appreciate in life which far surpassed what we would’ve had if we had not experienced hardship at all. 

If you can give one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?

I would tell them that when my children were little I would pray, “Lord, please don’t let their lives be so vanilla!” Their lives were so beautiful compared to how difficult my life had been as a child. I wanted them to have a story and I think that there is no story that God cannot redeem. I think that coming through very difficult and traumatic times makes a person so much more impactful, purposeful and dynamic. If you made it through and you are on the other side… you will be used for greatness!

What are some challenges you have faced in recent months, Covid-19 related or otherwise?

I had a family member who was really affected by Covid-19, to the point that the isolation led to a mental breakdown. I am now on the other side of this experience, but as we were walking through this, it was horrifying and scary. It was not something I had ever done before and it was definitely a circumstance we went through due to the world being shut down. What I can say, though, is that I see now that the brokenness allowed a new foundation to be made and a new life to be built. I wouldn’t change it at all. Having this perspective to see what can come out of the other side of our challenges is priceless. 

How would you want to be remembered?

I pray that I make an imprint on my children so that they can walk through life in authentic and understand their own unique purpose. I have three children and all three are as different as can possibly be. I believe that God creates each of us so individually. I pray that I raise them to marry well and raise children who know exactly who they are created to be and have a voice to speak into what they see. I see that I have groomed them for greatness, authenticity, to speak up, and advocate for others. I pray that my remarriage creates a new legacy for our family. 

Who inspires you? 

I would have to say that the amazing women I do life with inspire me. I work with some of the most amazing, dynamic women in the world who have overcome the greatest tragedies and traumas. They are the most committed, pure of heart and relentless in stepping forward into their passion and calling. I am inspired by the everyday women who walk beside me as we change the world, together.

How would you summarize your book? 

Women today have been groomed for many things that keep them entrapped in lies and shame. The reality is, God created you to be groomed for authenticity, to fully embrace your purpose and live in complete FREEDOM! In my book I guide readers toward an understanding that grooming is oftentimes subtle, but it's always life-altering. I offer readers a way to overcome their past, starting with all-important but rarely explored idea of a selah, or a time of rest and reflection, and exploring active ways to forgive and move forward to a whole new level of freedom. My authentic, transparent and raw approach is refreshing and comforting to readers, no matter what stage of life they are in. 

No one has to be defined by her past. No one has to live for her groomers. You were created for abundantly MORE! It's time to take a look at where we came from to escape the messages of our past and take control of our future.

Where can people purchase your books and hire you to speak? 

www.FreeWithE.com; info@freewithe.com

Please introduce yourself, your book, and your genre.

Five years ago, I never dreamt these words would come behind my name; however, a calling for a path for a purpose that I never saw coming led me on this journey and mission.

I am an award-winning author, coach, and speaker on a mission to drive healing, hope, and empowerment.  After pulling together the pieces of my own shattered life as a survivor of long-term childhood sexual abuse, I discovered my purpose and now passionately share the six compelling attributes that restore wholeness after hurts or trauma.

As a certified speaker and coach, I dive into the components I share in my Self-Help book, Broken to Beautifully Whole, that pull our pieces back together, rebuild confidence, and discover joy along with reducing depression, anxiety, or PTSD.

During my writing journey, I would shift from a thriver sharing how fully healing is possible and becoming a warrior to encourage breaking the silence and creating a call to action to defeat the childhood sexual abuse statistics. Every single person can take an action to empower, protect, and support our children!

I live in Ohio with my husband and our loving yellow Lab, and we have two amazing adult children.

As much as you feel comfortable discussing, please tell us about your background/history with your abuse experience.

I was a wide-eyed, precocious, curly-haired six-year-old girl. After crawling into bed, I hugged my almost three-foot tall light green bunny that I had gotten for Easter. He was my protector. If he slept with his back to my back, he would protect me from any of the nighttime monsters under the bed that I was sure were there. I hugged him and said goodnight.

That night the monster would come, however not from under the bed…

The monster was my stepfather. He woke me up at 2:00 am, took me downstairs. The sexual abuse started and would grow and progress for six years. He would typically wake me up in the middle of the night, tell me I was bad, did something wrong, and he was going to have to punish me.

During the last two years of the abuse, he would make me write a letter saying what he would do to me. To his sick pleasure, he would keep these in his wallet. Little did I know that this incredibly painful exercise propelled my shame and humiliation, would be a catalyst to end my nighttime nightmare. After an argument, my mom was nudged to look in his wallet. That night, my mom became my hero and kicked my stepfather out of the house.

What inspired you to write about these experiences?

I'm a hairstylist by trade, and it was a conversation with a client. She suffered from depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and I didn't know why. One day she shared the "why." She, too, had been sexually abused as a child. In turn, I shared my story. She asked if I had suffered depression, anxiety, or PTSD.

After pausing, I said, "I had depressing days, massive shame, and complete lack of trust with humanity; however, suffer, I did not. At the end of our conversation, she looked me square in the eye and said, "Girlfriend, you need to write a book!"

That conversation led me to reflect and ask the question, "Why do some suffer trauma and go on to live fairly successful lives? Why do others suffer more? One person, no better than another. With deep introspection, reflection, prayer, and push, I published my book, Broken to Beautifully Whole.

How difficult was it to share the religious aspect of your experience?

My religious journey after my abuse was definitely a pilgrimage. When you lay in bed at night as a child and pray for this travesty against you to end, and for six years, your prayers go unanswered, you ask, "How could a God exist? How could He let this happen to children all over the world? Or if He does exist, does He think I'm bad too and deserve it, because that is exactly what I believed about myself. 

One can see it was not a quick and easy trip to faith, yet I was grateful I embarked on it. I share in my book how it took time, reading, investigating, and studying people. My faith landed in a place where I would gain love, strength, and compassion. Those attributes would be a base then to consider forgiveness to be possible which before, felt impossible.

What are some of your work's key components to help raise awareness for organizations/individuals?

I believe the most powerful aspect of my message is sharing the research and science behind how the six compelling attributes I share can reduce depression, anxiety, and PTSD, which are so common after hurts, setbacks, and traumas. 

Once adapted as habits, keyword, "habit," they rework the brain's neurobiology for our betterment. 

Yes, we CAN shift the feel-good neurotransmitters! We can repair old shame memories.

The truth is…we are all a little broken. The gift is…we can all become whole again. Starting with our choices, awareness, and mindset, we can all grow a healthier mindset! 

What suggestions can you provide to help survivors heal on their journey?

Healing is possible. Becoming entirely whole again is possible. Within my choices, awareness, and mindset, I shifted from surviving my sexual abuse to fully thriving and finding my purpose by fully adapting the following attributes into my life.

I kept, and continued, my good perspective, built upon my resilience, grew my gratitude, added self-compassion, found my faith, and allowed forgiveness. It took time, came with setbacks, and was sometimes messy, yet worth every second of the pilgrimage.

Give yourself the gift of self-compassion and know you are worthy of healing, rebuilding confidence, and discovering your joy! You matter! Your story matters!

Why is it essential that we move through our trauma before it is possible to restore wholeness, experience lasting joy, and develop our true potential? 

We cannot experience true joy until we move through and out of our trauma. The perception can be that if we simply keep it buried deep down inside of us, we are good. It's buried; it's fine. It's not. First, it's a weight that we carry. That trauma weighs us down. Imagine walking a mile with a 15 lb. backpack and then walking a mile with no backpack. It's a whole lot easier without that weight. Next, when we don't move through and out, we are far more likely to suffer another abuse. When we don't confront and let go, we are more vulnerable. When we move through, we are stronger, more whole, and far less vulnerable.

Can you explain what you mean when you say "move through and out"?

To move through our traumas, we have to deal with what happened to us. This means we must confront and pull up from that buried spot in our soul. Once we confront and identify fully with what happened, we can then let go. When we release the trauma, we let go of the power the event held over us. This is true freedom.

What signs can a person be aware of that may be in danger of a sexual abuse encounter?

There are definite signs that perpetrators are moving in, grooming by befriending with abnormally high compliments, verbal sexual innuendos, or inappropriate touch. Or they will set up a situation intentionally that they will be alone with you. These are red flags. Please pay attention and if you start to feel uncomfortable, remove yourself from the situation if possible. Verbally share you are uncomfortable if you can't remove yourself. 

What signs should a parent be aware of that could indicate that their child may be in danger of abuse?

One of the first signs to look for is an adult that seems to have a much deeper interest in your child. They can lean towards setting up alone time with your children. This could be a teacher, coach, uncle, aunt, or anyone they know. 90% of perpetrators are people that children know and trust. Pay attention if your child doesn't want to go to school, daycare, practice, or a relative's house anymore. They might talk about stomachaches when they don't want to go. Their eating habits may change; they might start wetting the bed or demonstrate a more anxious behavior. Pay attention; these are all yellow or red flags.

Do you have anything you are feeling inspired about and working toward in the future?

Yes! First, End CAN; The National Foundation to End Child Abuse and Neglect is creating the first walk ever to defeat child abuse. One does not exist. The walk will be in fall 2021. There are four lead cities. I am the vent leader for Columbus, Ohio. This work takes awareness, advocacy, research, and prevention to a level that has not been achieved yet. This work is essential for change to happen! Children and young adults deserve love, protection, and support. They deserve empowerment. That starts with us as a society. The sexual abuse statistics are way too high and very uncomfortable. Nelson Mandela once said, "There is no keener revelation of a society's soul other than the way it treats its children."

It is time for us to do a much better job with how we treat our children. We CAN change the statistics. 

Second, the most powerful part of my book, Broken to Beautifully Whole is how I share the six compelling attributes that can rework the brain's neurobiology by reducing depression, anxiety, or PTSD. That is if we adapt as habits. Too many children suffer from depression and suicide. Imagine if we started introducing these attributes at a young age to plant the seeds for a healthier mindset and healthier neurobiology. Imagine the power of reducing depression and the hope of suicide. I am working on a set of children's books with these six attributes.

What are the four cities for END CAN, how can I register, and how can I get involved? 

The End CAN Walk will be held in Columbus, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Los Angeles, CA, and Dallas, Texas. Registration will open on April 29th. We would love for you set up your team to walk with us! Even if you can’t walk with us in one of those cities, you can still sign up in one city and walk with friends, co-workers, or family where you live at a park. Or if you live in one of the host cities and would like to volunteer, you. Can go to the same link I provide.  https://endcan.org/walktogether/

What words describe you the best and why?

I am an empathetic, compassionate, sensitive soul who loves to laugh and hear others laugh. Life is meant to be journeyed, experienced, and enjoyed through the challenges. When we feel significant, we listen to others, help others, grow, and learn. 

What do you want others to take away from your book and speaking engagements?

Hope, healing, and empowerment are possible. We can pull our pieces back together, become stronger and more beautifully whole, build confidence, and propel our best potentials. 

We CAN defeat the child sexual abuse statistics. It starts by teaching our children consent and boundaries. We continue by believing and supporting survivors and allowing them to use their authentic voices to be heard and seen. THIS creates change, and it starts with us!

Your life has many positive blessings. Can you share with the readers some of the highlights?

I am grateful for my blessings. My life has had its challenges, yet seeing the good in my life has brought me joy. Before I started down the path of becoming an author, speaker, and coach, I am fortunate to have had a successful career as a hairstylist. My husband and I have two amazing adult children that have worked incredibly hard for the successes they are having now.

We have a very loving yellow lab and adorable white lab grand puppy!

If you gave one message of hope to a survivor or survivor's family, what would it be?

This does not define you. You get to choose what defines you. You are worthy of healing and know that deep down in your soul. You deserve to be seen and heard as you matter, and your story matters. Survivors deserve support, protection, belief, and love. It was NOT their fault!

What are some challenges you have faced in recent months, Covid-19 related or otherwise?

The past five months have been very challenging. As Covid fatigue started to creep in late fall, we learned my mom has Chordoma cancer. As we helped her navigate that diagnosis and what treatment is possible, her partner, Gary, had an aortic aneurism and had to have surgery. We are incredibly grateful he survived and is on the recovery road. 

Unfortunately, treatment for my mom will not work for the type of cancer she has. Surgery is the only option. However, because of other health issues, my mom cannot have surgery. We are left with pain management. I am trying to help her navigate the reality of this incredibly tough situation. Then our beloved yellow Lab tore his ACL and will have to have surgery. He had surgery a year ago on the other hind leg. This is when I pull hard on counting my blessings instead of what's depressing. 

Can you explain the benefits of counting blessings instead of focusing on what's depressing? 

Life will have setbacks, challenges, and failures. That can be hard and at times feel depressing; however, there is always something good in our life at the same time. Every day is not good; however, there is always something good in every day. We can feel the bad, however, then shift to the good. We shift to the blessings instead of what’s depressing. This doesn’t mean we don’t hurt from the failure or setback; it simply means, let's choose not to live in the hurt and focus on what she has been blessed with. 

How would you want to be remembered?

A survivor who made other survivors feel more empowered and made a definite impact on defeating the childhood sexual abuse statistics.

How would you summarize your book? 

Broken to Beautifully Whole shares how we can have hope, healing, and empowerment by adding attributes into our lives as habits along with reducing depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It also creates a call to action to defeat the child and youth sexual abuse statistics because every single person can take an action to create change. 

Where can people purchase your books and hire you to speak?

The best place to reach me for books and speaking engagements is at www.cathystuder.com. I have three different powerful messages and would love to share them with your group or organization!

Who inspires you?

Every survivor of any abuse who stands up and breaks the silence.