Facing the Truth of Your Life

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I have challenged myself to work through Merle Yost's MA, LMFT, book Facing the Truth of Your Life, engage in zooms with him, and share my explorations here. This will be a journey into peeling back the layers of goo like an onion. I am going to try and be as transparent as I can with the reading and exercises, and share here. So this page will be a continuous work in progress, like me.

CHAPTER 1 : Giving Meaning to Life

"We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of 

that which others have made of us," Jean-Paul Sartre.

Yost opens this chapter by asking the reader to start questioning things, like: Who are you? Do you have any purpose? Can you justify being alive? 

[These questions hit me hard. I was stunned by the directness and almost callousness, especially since I have a tender ego and low self-worth to start.]

Why are we alive? What is the purpose of life? 

Yost indicates that many people may be hiding behind religious beliefs, so the individuals do not have to think for themselves. [But isn't that what society teaches?] 

Why are we alive? What happens when we die? Who am I? What is going on inside of me? Should I change? How do I change? What does it mean to be a better person? Do I fit in the world? Where should I fit and why should I fit? How did I become me?

[These questions felt like the ones I used to ask myself as a child. I used to wonder about things all the time, and I would create incredible answers. Where did the child go?] 

Yost directs us to the realization that we are usually exploring outward, "We cannot just question our external experience; we must question everything" (p. 20). He indicates that our inward questioning depends on how reflective we are, how we genetically are wired, and how our family programmed us.  "Your belief in the purpose of life has much to do with how willing you are to go beneath the surface of yourself and, consequently, of life itself."

Buddist perspective: "New discoveries will continually change and shift our perception and understanding of what is 'real' and what is 'important'."

Asking questions is how the world changes, and that is how we change. 

It is the questions that are more important than the answers. "We need to dig into ourselves fearlessly and honestly, burning away the programmed beliefs that do not fit in, the ones that block us from relationships with others and figuring out who they are and who you are"(p. 21). 

[My heart skipped several beats while reading words like, fearlessly, honestly, programmed beliefs, fit in, block, relationships, and figuring.] 

Yost explains that it is more important to not only explore and question our external world but our inner world. "We need to dig into who we think we are and gain insight into how we came to believe this is 'who we are.' Once we take that belief system apart, dissecting it until it reveals the deepest understanding of what we are not, we can come to an awareness of who we are. That is the journey. " (p. 21). 

[I have read once in another self-help book that we create our inner falsehoods from the things we heard as children and believe it as truth. That the ideal of ourselves is usually filled with false beliefs that we have heard repeatedly from others or told ourselves until we adapted, adopted, and simulated as truth for ourselves. So maybe there is something about mantras?] 

We live in a Mind-Body Connection = where "modern life involves an endless flood of stimulus and information to deal with, creating multiple reactions that demand we stay focused on the external. All of the external distraction consumes us and keeps us from really knowing who we are on the inside" (p. 22). 

[How do we break this habit of being taught to only concern ourselves with the exterior world and successfully function if we are focusing only on our inner being?]

Yost concludes chapter 1 by demonstrating that most people are unhappy on various degrees of unhappiness. "Understanding your role and your impact on others is required to get a better sense of who you are and what possibilities the world holds for you" (p. 23). 

As we enter this world, we are like sponges, absorbing everything around us--good and bad--and as we grow, we lose the core being we brought with us into this plane of existence. So, the outside influences  (economic, sociological, and parental) create this barrier of protection. Is it the real or true self, or it the made-up version we think we need to exist? 

"The journey of reconnecting to the core you were born with and finding your direct connection to the world is an essential part of what life is all about" (p. 23). 

We each have to find individual truth, and discovering this truth is about taking the journey (we must take alone) toward our inner self. Is the journey more important than the final discovery? 

"There is much to do and many levels of understanding that have to be attained to achieve a more authentic way of being" (p. 24). 

[This seems daunting.  Yet there is something that is telling me that I need to explore this. I want to get away from this FEAR, SHAME, and UNSELFWORTHLINESS that encompasses my life and causes me not to follow through with my dreams. I want to break the perpetual recording in my head that keeps repeating that I am not good enough. I WANT TO FIND THE TRUE ME. Let's do this.]

"Reality is what we take to be true.

What we take to be true is what we believe.

What we believe is based on our perceptions. 

What we perceive depends on what we look for. 

What we look for depends on what we think.

What we think depends on what we perceive. 

What we perceive determines what we believe. 

What we believe determines what we take to be true.

What we take to be true is our Reality." David Bohm

My questions before reading the chapter: 

• Do we, as children, grasp onto what we think makes the parents happy and then repeat that action? 
• The more parents resolve their trauma and wounds from childhood; the less their children will download and transfer to other generations? 
• Is the transfer or downloading always known? 
• If parents fail to parent a child or do not try, does the child as an adult have the job to parent themselves (while parenting their children) or find a good parent substitute (therapist, coach, etc.) to help the healing process? 
• How can we know our truth if we do not know ourselves? 
• Is it essential that people know their internal self, so they do not mechanically respond to the constant stimuli from outside the human shell? 

This chapter expresses that as we grow, we begin life on autopilot, not understanding that we mimic the actions and emotions of the people surrounding us. How we see our environment, society, and the world is programmed by how we interpret downloaded information provided to us, and this becomes our normality. As we mature, we start to separate from people and experiences to become an individual.  

[This process of growing is interpreted by abuse or trauma, causing the survivor development to delay. There are certain ages and periods where I am stuck.]

Yost informs us, "most people have no idea who they are, and, subsequently, have no inner relationship with themselves. They are not conscious of what they feel and almost no idea of how they are seen by others. They usually have little idea of what they want...Their awareness is almost all based on superficial external feedback" (p. 35).

"The less sense of self inside a person, the greater the amount of narcissism that makes up that person's personality. Everyone possesses some degree of narcissism" (p. 36). 

NARCISSISM is a psychological disorder in which the person has no internal sense of self. A narcissist needs constant stimulation from the outside and can only see themselves through the reflections from the reactions of another's response. "The narcissist can shape their own reflection by manipulating others' behaviors to suit their own delusional, self-validating needs.  What is described here is a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). 

[I had to read this section a couple of times. One of my biggest fears is being or becoming narcissistic. My father continually told me that I was too pretty to be a boy and that I needed to learn how to use my looks for good and not end up like Narcissus. He used to tell me that I needed to find someone that could save me, like a knight in shining armor, because I was too obsessed with my looks and would never keep a job. I found some relief when I read, "Everyone possesses some degree of narcissism."]

BEING PROGRAMMED

"It is essential to go inside ourselves and sort through the beliefs, values and morals that we downloaded (socialization) from our parents, family, and society. These non-tangible, intellectual, emotional downloads can be as dangerous as a physical trauma and for most, are harder to quantify or touch. But they can be nonetheless disturpting when we try to make contact with others and be fully present" (pp. 38-39). 

[As I try to digest this, I remember reading about how we are shaped and formed by the stimulation and information presented to us as children. Infants and children absorb the fears, worries, prejudices, assumptions, and misinformation from our parents, guardians, family, environment, and society.  Every time I did something wrong and told I was a mistake, I anchored this in my subconscious mind until I believed it. As an adult, I must review these recordings to see if they are true or not.]

The next section of this chapter is Exploring Your Downloads by asking questions to help you understand the beliefs, values, and attitudes that you absorbed from your childhood. [Some of the questions may not pertain to me, so I will not include them. But, I suggest that you purchase the book and see what questions pertain to you.]

DOWNLOADS ABOUT RELIGION

• What religion, if any, did your family practice when you were growing up? [My father was raised Catholic and mother Methodist. My mother converted to Catholicism to marry my father. As we grew up, religion was a mystery. My parents used to joke and say they were going to take us to a Jewish Temple. They also said that they wanted us to be spiritual and believe in God. However, they did use God's rath to keep us in line, "Don't lie because God will know, and you will have to answer directly to him. God sees all." As we grew, religion became distant. Something happened with my father, and he started reading the Bible and quoting verses. He created a small place to pray with three crosses in the wood's clearing by our farmhouse. When At the hight of my sexual abuse with the coach and sponsors (I never told anyone), my father started telling me that I would go to hell, that I was an abomination, and repeat verses to me.]
• What were your earliest impressions about God or religion? [God was the almighty, and he could eliminate countries with a swipe of his hand. His presence scared me, but I told myself that I admired him and loved him. In my child's mind, Dad was how I imagined God; tall, dark, strong, brooding, and sometimes scary. One had to respect and honor God. As a youngster, I was proud of being spiritual. I loved going to mass with my Aunt and Grandmother. I loved singing the hymns and ceremonies. I remember I was so excited to watch the story of Jesus on the television. I hurried to set up my place with a blanket, pillow, and stuffed animal. I don't remember watching the show, but I recall Dad slapping me away. I had a nightmare. I was Jesus, and when they nailed me to the cross, I screamed in pain.  Mom told me later that they tried shaking me away, but I did not come out of the dream. They threw water on my face, and I still in dreamland. Then Dad slapped me awake. Ever since, I have a unique attraction to a figure of Jesus on the cross.]
• In your family's religion, did God have a gender? [Yes. God was always male.]
• How did God treat people? [God loved everyone, except murders and adultery. He was fair, but just. You didn't want to break the Ten Commandments, or He would smite you. You definitely did not want to worship idol gods.  Later in my teens, Dad informed me God did not love homosexuals, "It says so in the Bible. God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah." God was to be FEARED. 
• Why was God important? [God was important because he created the world in seven days, and he could take it away. Prayers to God are powerful and may be answered if the need is in God's plan. God had a plan for everyone--which I questioned as a child, "How did he have enough time to take care of everyone in the world?" My answer was never to question God.]
• Why was God necessary? [God provided the light and the way for acceptance in heaven. You could not go to heaven if God did not save you. God also provided you the righteous path, if you repented and asked for forgiveness. I questioned, "If God so loves everyone, why would he let hate into the world?" "That is the doing of the devil, not God," was the information I received.]
• What message did you get about the purpose of life? [In my early years, life's purpose was to live harmoniously and do unto others as you would have done unto you. As I was going through the sexual abuse, confusion clouded my mind, "Why would God let this happen to me? I did everything I thought was right. I didn't maliciously hurt or take advantage of others. Why did God make me an abomination (according to the scriptures)? I pray every day (and still do)." I believed damnation was upon me, and I swore that I would not take a woman to hell with me. I decided that I would not date, get married, or have children. I figured if a male (abusers) chose me to be with, then that was their choice.]
• What message did you get about death and dying? [Before the abuse, I believe that if iI lived a good and spiritual life, I would have everlasting eternity. During and after the abuse, my path was direct to hell. The only saving grace was to hide my shame, embarrassment, and live as faithfully as possible until the time came to leave this plane of existence.]
• What messages did you get about what happens after you die? [Before the abuse, I thought that heaven was this beautiful place with angles and love, no more pain, and reunions with loved ones and pets. Music filled the air, and Jesus waited for me with open arms. After the abuse, I lost this magical image and tried to find ways to avoid the inevitable. I worried that God and Jesus's disappointment in me.]
• How did your religion feel about: 
  • Other sects of your religion? [Not sure I understand this question.]
  • Other religions? [I always found it interesting that each religion (I learned about) had different methods, beliefs, and were the only religion that would permit you into heaven. The battle of which religion was the path to heaven confused me. I questioned, "Why did God care about a person's faith if he/she believe in the almighty?"]
  • Other Gods? [There was only ONE God, others were false idols. In high school, I learned about the ancient Greeks and Romans, who had many gods, which perplexed me. How could this be?]
  • Agnostics? [Saddness, because these people did not have the chance to learn about God and may not be accepted into heaven.]
  • Atheists? [Were those the devil recruited and taken to hell with him. It was a us and them scenario.]
• Were you encouraged to question your religious perceptions and beliefs? [No. But as you can see, as a child, I questioned everything. A right and the godly person did not question the teachings of God.]
• What would happen if you did question them? [Nothing happened. It was frowned upon, and I felt a strong sense of disappointment.]
• Is participation in your family's religion essential to eremaining part of the family? [I am not sure. I want to think it wasn't an issue since my parents came from different religions. I do know there could be underlying unsettledness due to other ideas.]
• Did your parents love you more than God? [I don't know.]
• What was the role of the church or religion in your family? [Spirituality was strongly encouraged. The church started as a sacred place to attend; then it turned to a building that hypocrites would go on Sunday to feel good about themselves, and then it was more important to have the church in your heart.]
• What is your current belief about: 
  • God? [I am still questioning the validity of my adaption and creation of God. Could God be more than I ever imagined? Am I even able to comprehend the essence and power of God? Will I ever be? I feel some connection streams through us and seems connected to something larger. I feel spiritual.]
  • The meaning of life? [I m beginning to sense there is more to life. I kept running away from my past and pain and felt that I had to be successful to have a purpose or meaning. Slowly, I realize that the journey is more important than the results. 
  • An afterlife? [I want to believe there is one. Somedays, I wonder if it is only man's invention to cope with everyday life's hardships?]
• How do you feel about people who consider themselves religious? [I am leery. Although I am spiritual and believe there is this ultimate power, I have a hard time watching people place all of life's choices and chances in God--as it God was a man. When I hear an athlete place the result of a competition in God's hands, I feel they have become passive-aggressive. It raises the question of why God let men abuse me when I was a child? Many of my abusers were religious and church abiding citizens every Sunday. I want to believe that God is there to support and help us make choices and decisions we need to progress. When abused, I felt there was some powerful presence that helped me survive. However, my anger toward God may have hampered my understanding that the mpresence was him. I worry that many faith-based groups that are declaring that they are doing God's work by helping sex-traffic, sexual abuse, and domestic violence survivors may not be utilizing another form of grooming. Many survivors are susceptible to coercion and manipulation. There is no one way to heal or accept God.]
• What is the difference between Spirituality and Religion? [To me, Spirituality is my interpretation and understanding of God is to me. I believe that there is something larger than me. Religion is a form of ]aman-made organization based and built on fear. The amount of grooming in the church is astounding to me, and they make you feel unworthy if you cannot agree with these standards.]
• How have your views on spirituality changes since you became an adult? Or not? [My perspectives on Spirituality have grown as I have matured. I feel that I recognize the amount of spirituality that I relied on while experiencing the many sexual abuses and suicide attempts.]

[This exploration through the downloads of religion has been exhausting. As I reread the remarks I have made, I am beginning to feel this sense of pride. I realize that I am starting to observe and recognize the things that I have believed about myself that are no longer beneficial to me today and weighing me down. How do I remove them? I am not sure yet. Stay with me, and encourage me to continue. If you have any questions, send them to me. If you want to take this journey with me, join me anytime. 

I will continue with: DOWNLOADS ABOUT FAMILY. Oh no!!!!!!]

08/30/2020

[I wanted to share an experience I had. As I am going through this Facing The Truth journey, I realize that I would open myself and to feel things that I have either forgotten about or repressed. Yesterday I was getting my eye exam, and when the doctor placed the gadget in front of my face, you know that big silver thingy to test your vision--I have a near panic attack from out of nowhere. I felt this rush of heat sprout from my chest and race through my body. I couldn't breathe, sweat beaded on my forehead, and my vision blurred. I immediately took a deep breath and asked to take a moment. I told the doctor that I was experiencing a near panic attack. And before I could stop the words, I said, "I'm a sexual abuse survivor. When I was a teenager, I was abused by the eye doctor after he positioned a machine like this and started testing my vision." This doctor, a female, thanked me for trusting her to let her know and sorry for what had happened in the past. I was acknowledged and supported. The rest of the examination was a positive experience. ]

DOWNLOADS ABOUT FAMILY

• What was the configuration of your family? Parents, siblings, and extended family who were an intimate part of it. [I had two parents, an older brother and a younger sister, that was naturally born from my parents. I was the middle child. My parents wanted to have a large family, and they adopted a boy and girl that were ages between my sister and I. My parents also fostered a girl that was older than my big brother. When it was just my older brother and I, we visited both sides of the family as often as possible. Later, when  my father broke his back, my mother's parents lived with us at the farmhouse.]
• What made your family DIFFERENT from the others you knew? [While living in Kettering, a suburb, I remember my house was where everyone came to visit and hang out. It was if our doors were always unlocked and welcomed everyone. The plat where we lived was very communal, and everyone knew everyone. My parents were the young and attractive couple. Mom always looked her best, and dad was breathtaking--tall, dark, and blue eyes. It was a safe place for everyone. I expressed myself freely, playing barbie dolls with the neighbor girls and tag football with the boys. I wore dad's t-shirt and cinched it at the waist with my belt. I would sing and dance inside and outside the house. I used to run around as fast as I could and ended up breaking several glass doors. Everyone seemed happy. Something happened, and we moved to the farmhouse. Everything changed. People no longer came over, and we were not supposed to share any family issues with outsiders. I was forbidden to wear dad's t-shirts, and I could not sing or dance or play with Barbie Dolls. I remember seeing Mom change and become unhappy.] 
• What made your family the SAME as the others you knew? [The community feeling we had with the other families. If my parents were not at home, they were at the neighbor's house. Everyone watched out for each other and helped when it was needed. I felt safe.] 
• In what ways was your family the SAME and DIFFERENT from the ones you saw on TV and in the movies? [While living in the plat, I thought our family was like the Bewitched family because Mom resembled Samantha and was always making magical things happen around the house. She was the party planner and the person that gathered everyone on the street to visit. She was able to create a great time with little to no preparations. Dad was Darrin, never sure what he was going to find when he came home from work. Although he may not have understood the situation, you could tell that he loved Mom with all this heart. When we moved to the farmhouse, I felt we were the family in the Amityville House movie--everything started to fall apart, and I thought we moved into a haunted house. ]
• What part did you play in keeping your family together? [When we lived in the suburb, I felt that I was the glue that kept everyone laughing and appreciating my antics. I felt powerful and thought I could fly because I couldn't do anything wrong. Even when everyone thought I someone kidnapped another boy and me.  The whole street looked for us. We decided to walk to the grocery store. I received punishment for scaring everyone. When they realized that I did ask Mom and she was on the phone and wasn't paying attention and said. "Sure." My parents acknowledged me for my confidence and independence. At the farmhouse, I became Mom's confidant. She shared with me when she miscarried and about her depression. I felt that I became the parent and she the child. Dad was away a lot. As we grew, Mom started working, and both parents were gone--and I took care of the other siblings.] 
• Which parent were you closest to? [I was a Momma's Boy,  but I idolized my dad. While on the plat, I would feel my father's embarrassment when we were out, and people told him that I was a beautiful girl. The shame in his voice when he told them I was a boy has stayed with me. He even gave my brother and me burr hair cuts,  like we were bald--this still didn't prevent strangers from thinking I was a girl. I remember always hiding behind Dad's long legs when someone approached. I used to blame myself that this was one reason we had to move to the country. When we moved to the country, I thought I was closer to Mom than Dad. Dad scared me by this time. I don't remember why, but I know that he had changed. Something caused him to change before we moved to the farmhouse. I felt we were running away from something.]
• How did your parents feel about that? [When I was young, I was full of love and demonstrated that attachment equally to both parents--I thought. When we moved to the farmhouse, Dad started telling me that I was more like Mom, too sensitive, too needy, and acted like I was more privileged than the others. I remember him saying, "You think you are better than everyone like you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, or something." I knew Dad, and I were becoming estranged and distant, but sometimes, at night, he would come into my room, crawl into bed with me smelling like booze, and call me his pussy boy. I was confused and scared. He acted as he hated me during the day, and then he loved me at night. I remember, as a teenager, he came and visited me at night. He held me and whispered in my ear that he was scared for me. That he wished he could toughen me up and make me more of a man. I remember his large hands holding me and his breath smelling of cigarettes and some sweet alcohol. Sometimes, I felt there was a competition between my parents for my attention. It was not healthy. Dad knew Mom confided in me about her problems, and he became distant and silent.]
• How did you feel about the other parent? [No matter what was happening, I wanted to be like Dad. I may have been more like him than I realized. I had anger toward him because I felt that I was placed as a substitute for Mom. I was dad during the day for her and mom during the night for dad. They both said that I was the other's favorite. I was confused. I was nervous about maturing because they both looked at me differently. They even touched me differently. I felt like an object.]
• If you are a parent, how did that impact your parenting? [I made a conscious decision that I was never going to have children because I did not want to continue to pass on any residue to future generations. I remember thinking that I will never be responsible for passing along my issues to my children.]
• If you had two parents:
  • What was their relationship like? [Living in the city, their relationship was magical. I wanted to have a relationship with my wife as they had. They were present and showed their attraction in public all the time. There was freedom in hugging and kissing, and I felt that and emulated that back to both of them. I used to hold my older brother's hand in public and never thought anything about it--except how proud I was holding his hand. Things changed when we moved to the farmhouse. They became strangers.]
  • Did you know if they had an ongoing sexual relationship? I instinctively understood (as a child could) when we lived in the ranch house in the suburb. They tried when we moved to the farmhouse because my youngest sister was born. She was called the miracle child. After that, Dad used to joke that this thing was broken.]
  • Did either parent talk to you directly about sex? [I would not say   directly, it was always innuendo or joking. I remember Dad telling me that I should become a porn star because I would be good at that--and I would not have to work. I remember when I was young, I saw Dad naked standing by the sink, shaving. I was intrigued by his penis and the hair surrounding it. I looked down at mine and thought something was wrong. I batted his penis, and he laughed as it swung from thigh to thigh. I assumed he thought it was funny. So, I did it again. He stepped back, and it started to elongate. He let me touch it, and he laughed again. Then something happened, and he slapped me and sternly said never to do that again. I remember Dad telling me in a joking manner that if I had sex with a girl the wrong way, I could cause her to bleed to death. I was always afraid that I could murder a woman during sex. Later, when I did have sex with a woman and moaned, I thought I had killed her--it ended the mood. When the sexual abuse started, Dad became sharing scriptures about how lying with another man was an abomination, and I was going to hell. Mom used to watch me when I bathed and waited to dry me. I was almost sixteen when it was the last time it happened.]
• What message about sex did I absorb from the conversations. [One should have sex only to procreate. Premarital sex, adultery, impure thoughts, and homosexuality were all wrong. Yet, Dad was continually telling me to be a porn star. I feared sex. I was confused about it. Confusion filled me about how it felt when someone touched me, even if I didn't want that person to touch me and yet the shame and embarrassment that I allowed it to happen.]
• What did you learn about sex, love, and marriage from observing your parents and their relationship? [Relationships are magical at first if it is with the right two people, but it will stagnate as it continues. There was a lot of joking in the house that both my parents saw others outside the home--but I never wanted to believe it.  Even when I found my father at a bar talking to the buxom waitress and felt angry that he was cheating, I never thought he was cheating. As the abuse began, I started to believe that I would never have a relationship because I was damaged goods.]
• If you are in a relationship:
  • How does your relationship look like and different from the one your parents had? [I am not sure it seems likes my parents. I have allowed myself to become the position my mother was. She tried not to rock the boat and went along with everything to keep the peace. I have become passive in the relationship--sometimes, I feel I am trying to understand everything since I have broken my silence as a child sexual abuse survivor and all the discoveries that come with it. But this passive side began a while ago when I felt that the best I could be was a guest in the house. My mother came from a wealthy family, and my father's family was poor; I come from a financially struggling home life, while Nathan's family was more financially secure.]
  • Did you intend to have a relationship different from your parents?  [Yes. I didn't want to repeat what I saw--the distance and silence between them. I tried to emulate the relationship I witnessed when we lived in the suburbs--affectionate and loving. Once we moved to the farmhouse, things changest. The isolation from the neighbors and everyone. I watched the relationship deteriorate to the point they were merely existing. Later in the years, they somehow found each other again and would hold hands in public. Mom would act like a high schooler.]
• What messages did you get about having children?
  • Are they "required," "optional," "more is better?" [A large family was essential to my parents. I never understood why. We were not financially in a place to have more children, but when we moved to the farmhouse, they talked about it. I never understood why my brother and I were not enough. Why did we have to share our rooms and toys with other kids that were not our brother or sister? But my parents decided to start fostering and adopting children, especially after Mom has several miscarriages. Soon our house had a revolving door, and some kids stayed a week, a month, or a little longer and would leave. An older girl stayed with us,  Mom and Dad adopted two, and then Mom had my little sister appeared. It was the underlying importance of having children. While I was relatively young, I decided that I would never have children and pass along all the garbage. 
  • Do you believe that if you did not have children, you would have failed? [Having children was never a belief. After the abuse, and I decided not to have children, I did not give the idea much attention. There were moments when I felt that I let my parents down by not having children, but I made a firm conviction.]
• What did you learn was the reason to have children? [I thought that the reason for having children was to continue the family name and linage. But in my mind, I believed it was a continuous way to pass on the unhealed and unhealthy abuse. As a teenager, I knew I would not pass the evil on, and I would not take a woman to hell with me since I experienced the abuse. Puppies became my children.]
• Did/Do I want children? [There are times I wish I had children, like the holidays. But when I realized that I was broken from the sexual abuse throughout high school and the grad student's incident during my freshman year at UCI, I BELIEVED that I was not mentally equipped to be a parent. I was healing myself. I knew that I could give children my best qualities in small doses and keep my brokeness at bay. I know I will miss the connection between father and child later in my life. ]
• If you want children:
  • How many? [When I would let my mind think about children, I wanted a boy and a girl. 
  • Is this the same or different from your parents? [My parents thought the more the children, the richer the soul. I never agreed with that. I felt the more the children, the more impoverished the family--and not everyone would get what they truly needed. It all started when we moved to the farmhouse and the five acres.  As I watched my family struggle and decided on the cheapest form of medical attention for my sister after her sledding accident--I resented my parents. I thought they were selfish for fostering and adopting other children. I felt this anger that my brother, sister, and I were not enough. We could never fill my parents with the love they needed, so they brought in others. I remember when we were fostering a young male, and he smoked in my bedroom and threatened to beat me up if I told my parents. I hated to share my private room with strangers. I translated this to be selfish and rude. I tried to convince myself these other children were not as fortunate as  I, and it was the "Godly" thing to share my blessings. As you can see, I created this reasonings based on religious beliefs. I was not like my brother who could voice some of his feelings--until the day he watched his friend die in his arms--after that, my brother changed and started to withhold his emotions and feelings. I also felt that the onset of foster and adopted children pushed my brother and I further into the corner. There was always someone that the foster or adopted children needed that outweighed our needs. My parents expected my brother and me to be understanding and generous as we stood there, watching our belongings be taken or destroyed. I still feel resentment for this part of our lives that were changed.]
  • What would you do differently from your parents about child-rearing? Why? [Hinsight is always twenty-twenty, but I would listen closely to what my children are trying to say and observe their actions. I feel children want to be heard and understood but may not have the facility to do so. I would want to create an environment where they feel safe and can express themselves without judgment--like me wearing Dad's t-shirt as a dress. I would encourage them to make friends and experience life with people their age. I would want to build their world with love  and teach them the importance of boundaries and the word, "No." I want them to feel comfortable and safe to talk with me and not have any fear.]

   

[It has become quite apparent that the farmhouse holds many resentments, abandonment, abuse, and fear.] 

DOWNLOADS ABOUT WORK & CAREER

• What was the highest educational level achieved by each parent? [Both parents went to college. I am not sure if either earned a degree. I know Dad was a detailed designer, even though he wanted to be an artist.]
• What message about education did you get from your family? [Education was essential on my mother's side of the family because many aunts and uncles were teachers. My father was a twin and came from an extensive Catholic family, which struggled to make ends meet. They did not have the funds for higher education--which I have always questioned how my father was able to go to college.]
  • Were there expectations that you would have a more successful or prosperous life than your parents? Or not? [This is an interesting question. I always thought my life was going to be more than what my parents' life. It sounds egotistical, but when I was a child, I had all this confidence and dreams--nothing stood in my way. I remember talking about what I was going to do and how I was going to do and that I would be famous. There was no questioning this; it was a fact in my mind. I was not afraid to try anything as a child (Where has that person gone?). I loved learning. I would make up games where I was either learning or teaching. I remember teaching myself French from a beginner's book. I don't know where I got the book. But I would spend hours trying to figure out the language. So, at an early age, I was planning on how I would proceed and plot my route to fame. When I look back, I see the other children remaining, staying, or getting stuck at the farmhouse--and their lives never went beyond high school. My sister was the only other child that went to college.]
  • Did you fulfill them? [Looking back on my life, I believe I did. I did things and traveled that my parents never did. I was a successful athlete and traveled the world. I became an actor in Hollywood, NYC, and Boston, where I was on soap opera and independent films. I have received a BFA, MEd, and almost finished my Ph.D. (I had a 4.0 before my student loans ran out). But, unfortunately, my inner voice or my belief of being humble will not allow myself to recognize these as accomplishments--they just happened.]
• Did your mother work outside of the home? [Not at first. She was a stay at home mom until we moved to the farmhouse.  Then she started working at different jobs, more to get away from the farmhouse. My mother thrived by being around people. It didn't matter what the job was as long as she could be near people. The farmhouse was not great for her.]
• Did your father work outside of the house? [Yes, he was a detail-designer for a steel company about a forty-five-minute one-way drive from the farmhouse. Dad never seemed satisfied with this job. That was what it was a job, but he did it to keep food on the table. Dad wanted to be an artist. He was extremely talented, and I emulated him. I started drawing because of him.]
• What were their professions? [Dad was an architect/detail designer who designed buildings and parts. Mom did not have a said career. She did whatever was required. She worked at different places from a restaurant hostess to an insurance agency.] 
• Did they like what they did for a living? [Dad did not like his career; he wanted to be an artist and paint landscapes and portraits.  In his frustration, Dad created inventions that he thought would save the "working man." He designed an engine that would run on water.  He became paranoid that the government was after him because this invention would eliminate the need for gas from the Middle-East. Mom seemed to like anything that got her out of the house and around people.] 
• Did your parents talk about their work, dreams, or aspirations? [Dad shared his love of sketching with me after discovering his art books and started trying to copy the pictures. This period was important to me because it connected us, and I had a passion for drawing. Yet, it created an undercurrent of competition between us. Mom entered our work into local art shows, and we began winning ribbons. I was a special prize for my depiction of Jesus carrying the cross--and that seemed to upset Dad. He made it a point that I did not illustrate the hands properly. Our artistic collaboration ended when Dad discovered that I had been sketching naked men. He shared that it was the devil's work and that I was shaming on to the house. He demanded that I cease drawing naked men. I began drawing horses and hiding my other sketches. Mom was always in dreamland, and she would talk about all the people in town that she was meeting. It was vital for her to feel important. She would sometimes remind everyone that she was from an affluent family and used to be one of the popular girls in high school. ]
• Was having money, or lack of money an issue in your family? [Yes, money was always an issue. It seemed that no matter how successful Dad was, he was never going to match up to Mom's previous was of life. Although Mom kept stating that love was more important than money. There was always an unsettling undercurrent concerning money.  It seemed we wither scraped by or were living paycheck to paycheck. Mom needed attention, and I remember her reaching out to the Salvation Army to let them know were did not have enough for Christmas--they came and brought food and gifts. I was mortified. I understood we were going through a rough time, but we didn't need to do that. I felt it took away from those who needed it--I could have been blind that we may have been one of those families in need.]
• What role did money play in your family? [Money became a living and silent member of the family. Money became an obsession. Money caused many fights, arguments, and nearly broke up the family.]
• Did I feel I got everything I needed? [On one hand, I thought that I got everything to keep me going. I learned that the latest brand of clothing or the hottest toys were not necessary. I taught myself material possessions were not that important. It seemed to me that when we moved to the farmhouse, our financial troubles flared up--or many be it was more apparent. I remember one Christmas, Mom's parents were living with us to help after Dad's accident.   And I went into the basement and created dolls for everyone. I cut out fabric and hand-sewn everything together.  I spent hours and hours making these Christmas masterpieces. I wrapped them in shoe boxes, and I was so excited to give them. The day came, and everyone opened them. Mom and Grandma were surprised and pleased. Dad made fun of them.] 
• Did you feel you got everything you wanted? [No. There were many things I wanted that I never even asked. It became clear that it was selfish to ask for something that I knew we could not afford. I remember that since my birthday was almost a month after Christmas and a little more than a week before my little sister's birthday, the family seemed to forget my birthday. I remember overhearing Mom say that I understood, and it would not bother me. I taught myself how to be passive, and if I needed anything, I learned how to be passive-aggressive. I find I repeat these patterns today. I feel that my opinion is not important. When we were picking our colors for the house, I quickly realized that my opinion was no match. After I would select a color, and I was informed that I didn't want that color, this color is a better choice. I gave away my voice and went along with everyone else.]
• Did you have enough food, clothing, and shelter as a child? [I believe I did. Were there times we ate tuna casserole or Spam for a week straight--Yes. Did we always have clothes--Yes. Did we have a roof over our heads--Yes, even if the house was not properly insulated. Did we have the best of everything--No.]
• If not, how did that impact your school, social, or educational lives? [I am not quite sure. Dad and Mom repeatedly told us that we were known as outsiders, and the farmers would never accept us. There was a silent sense of embarrassment because of our financial issues. Dad did not want people knowing about our problems; he frowned on people coming over to the house. One time my brother and I had to hide in the closest because Family Services came to the farmhouse. I never shared family secrets to anyone, if someone asked how things were in the house, I would say, "Fine." As for school, I was bullied from the first day and teased that they didn't know if I was a boy or a girl (even though Dad had my hair buzzed). I found strength in studying, and I forced myself to be a good student--I believed that if I were a good student, no one would ask questions.]
• When did you learn that money was finite? [I feared that money was always finite, and I seemed to get rid of it as fast as possible. I equated the rich as evil, dirty, and possessive. When the abuse began  and the professionals gave me money for my services, It ngmiwas expected to hand it over to Mom to go to bills. I watched my older brother started working at the restaurant when he was 15 as a dishwasher, and his money went to Mom and my tierdiving expenses. I believed this was normal and that we were helping the family.]
• How did that change your view of your parents and how the world worked? [The only thing I can comprehend was that Dad must have been right--in that the rich get richer by using the poor. I wanted to believe that love was more important than money. So, when I started tpsgetting money, I didn't know what to do with it. I would manage to pay bills, but the rest I somehow got rid of it. I never learned about retirement funds or saving for a rainy day. I struggle to this day about money.]
• How did that impact how you felt about your family's status in the world? [I believed our family did not have the right last name,  and we would struggle in this world all our existence. Dad told me never to expect handouts because nothing is for free--there is always a priced tag to fame and fortune. He said that money changes people.  I learned to fear money and the power it possessed.]
• 
  

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony" (Mahatma Gandhi)

"It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that makes us happy" (Charles Spurgeon).

"The state of pleasurable contentment of mind; deep pleasure in or contentment with one's circumstances" (Oxford English Dictionary). 

Whenever I think of the meaning of happiness, I find myself in a conundrum:  

What is true happiness? 

How do we choose happiness over sadness or emptiness? 

Is happiness a real emotion or a fleeting moment of no worries or anxiety? Can a survivor honestly know happiness? 

When I try to remember moments of total joy, I recall fleeting sessions of peace, calmness, and connected. When I was a young boy, I was happiest wearing my father's t-shirt and cinched at the waist with a belt. I saw it as my toga or Jesus outfit so that I could close to God, but I never looked at it as a dress or that I was trying to be a girl. I love the way the t-shirt smelled and the soft cotton on my shin. I love the freedom I felt running around the neighborhood with the wind caressing my legs. It never occurred to me that I was trying to be different or not happy with who I was. I was most comfortable during this time because I was the most natural form of transparency--I was me. I think the time I lived on Bellfield Street in Kettering in a small ranch-style house was the most honest me. After that time, I started finding ways to hide my true self. Somehow I adopted the ideas that when I was my true self, I was making others uncomfortable. Even at such a young age, I was very intuitive about other's feelings.  I can't remember the exact day that I choose to start my transformation-- or why I thought it was necessary to start hiding. When we moved to the farmhouse, I was no longer permitted to wear dad's t-shirts, play with barbie dolls, dance around, or sing. The new regulations confused me. The closest neighbor was almost a mile away, and no one would even see me my designer-toga-Jesus-outfit. So, I started finding secret places that I could be myself, like the old barn, the basement, or the woods. 

As I grew, I found moments of pure happiness. 

• When I won the gold medal in Norway and stood on the victory ceremony, I experienced calm and happiness that time seemed to stand still. 
• When I was acting, and I felt that I slipped into the character's psyche, and I allowed the character to lead me through the performance. I felt joy when I pretended I was someone else.  
• I was happy when the person who allowed me to feel safe wrapped me in their arms as I slept. 
• I find peace and stillness when I am hiking in nature or taking the puppies for a walk. 
• I have moments of complete fulfillment after sharing my story or talking about helping survivors find their way. 
• One of the happiest places I am writing, and I connect entirely with the characters that I can hear them tell me what to write.

Yost posits,  "HAPPINESS is one of those words that has too many meanings. We all have our own definition of happiness" (p. 57). Yet he informs the reader that most things that make us happy are temporary events or things that happen and pass, "...but few of us seem to have d a deep contentment and stillness inside." He illustrates that HAPPINESS should extend from being okay with ourselves--"a place where you know that you are doing what you think you should... "That moment aligns with your being present in the here and now and where life has led you. In the simplest moments, we can have the feeling we are doing what we were supposed to be doing" (pg. 58). 

Yost brings up being observers again, and if we are observing the moment, we can have a "simple understanding of a profound level of happiness... There is something deeper inside of us that shows up when we are truly aligned with who we are and doing what we should be doing."

Yost encourages us to journey deeper inside and discover who we are to find more profound and sustainable happiness. 

LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. 

When people quiet their minds through meditations, they are aware of their thoughts and are not lost or consumed. "Happiness does not have to be a moment of profundity that manifests itself with an external physical show of emotion. Genuine joy is internal, private interlude that need not involve anyone else" (p. 59). 

DOING

Many of us get lost in doing: "staying busy in the endless pursuit of sensation and experience, focused on the external." [This is what parents and society teach us. The more external things we possess, show how happy we should be.] External gratification does not deepen your relationship with yourself or help you find the true-self. It keeps you in the "What's Next" syndrome and not the "Who Am I" discovery we need to investigate to find happiness. It would be best if you had a balance of both--"The real contentment and peace come from a place deep inside of you, not the next experience or rush that makes you feel alive. BEING surpasses DOING when it comes to happiness." 

PRIDE

Yost encourages that we should have pride in our accomplishments and celebrates life's milestones--which "can bring significant happiness in the moment, but each simply becomes another facet of your life, rather than becoming a continual source of happiness. New challenges will emerge with the next phase of earned achievements" (p. 59). Yost warns that too much pride is the result of attempting to hide shame.  "Pride is wonderful, necessary and useful in small and moderate amounts, but too much pride is often about pushing away deep feelings of not being good enough." 

• Do not make happiness about collecting external validation. 
• Happiness is about walking down life's path and about deepening to find your self, letting the universe gift you with indescribable moments of ecstasy. 
• Do not deny joy or wonderful experiences, but accept them for what they are--finite moments. 

 "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." Brene Brown

SELF-LOVE

"Self-love, at its best, is empathy for yourself (Yost, 70). [empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.]

"Self-love is a first stepping stone to a deeper relationship with the Public Self." [Public Self: how we present ourselves to the outside world--the way we adapt and adopt certain beliefs to behave and act the way we think others will accept us.] 

Self-Love is the "building block that creates a stronger self, so that a deeper meta-awareness of being can be the basis for being alive." 

"In accepting ourselves without judgment, we must also understand that we are constant work in process [This is extremely important for survivors of any abuse to understand--we are on a life long journey of healing ourselves. There will be times when we think we have recovered and then something triggers the memory all over again.]

NO ONE IS WITHOUT FLAWS

Yost states, "Through the process of accepting yourself, you have the opportunity to change how you choose to be in the world, in a fundamental way (pp. 70-1). 

"You cannot be loved until you love yourself." People can be loved without loving or even liking themselves. There are people who love themselves too much. Many times this can result in isolation. Some people take love while others give it. Remember that love is energy and meant to be shared.

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." (Carl Young). 

This quote is valid (for me) because of the meanings I have accepted and adopted for the experiences I have gone through. I have interpreted how people have reacted and interacted with me after learning about my story. It amazes me how much time I have wasted in assuming what other people thought--without ever really knowing. How self-absorbed I was in thinking everyone was talking about and judging me.   

Yost emphasizes, "It is required to truly know yourself and be fully present in the world" (p.71). 

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is the highest kind of love and means having the ability to see beyond another person's deficits. Yet, I have difficulty seeing beyond my deficiencies, even to recognize another person's issues. 

Yost tells us that when it comes to accepting yourself, it is about acknowledging your deficits and deciding to do something about them or not. [Could this demonstrates that we have a choice to remain stuck or change?]

SELF-ACCEPTANCE: "you have a personal responsibility to make a choice about what action you are willing to take or not take when you own something in yourself that is less than it could be" (p. 71). It is important to accept our faults and limitations, but this doesn't mean that we have to take them as an end product of who we are. It is up to us to decide if we want to do anything about our faults. 

SELF LOVE, or lack of love, can be "used as a blanket amnesty or not taking responsibility for our actions, for example, " I cheated on my boyfriend, but I love myself." This abuse of the words "Self-Love" is a cope out for self-healing. 

• Loving yourself can mean not taking responsibility for your actions
• Loving yourself is generally not a path to reassessment and corrective action
• Loving Yourself in this concept is  giving you a pass in hopes that it will solve a problem you are unwilling to take responsibility for and solve. 

[This reminds me of people who say things that are hurtful and spiteful and excuse it by stating, "I am only being honest."  What is the real underlying intentions behind saying such a statement?]

Self-Respect, Self-Worth, and Self-Acceptance are the goals for maturity. As an adult, "I am responsible for my choices and my responses."  

"Self-Acceptance is the opposite of Self-Hatred" (Yost, p. 73). "We learn to accept ourslelves and not hate ourselves by taking in love from our parents and by owning who we are. Taking in unconditional love initiates Self-Acceptance." [What happens to those that did not receive unconditional love from their parents? Are they able to accept who they are?]

Yost explains that without unconditional love and when love is conditional, it breeds Self-Hatred and Shame--and this cannot lead to Self-Worth or Self-Respect. 

Self-Hatred: inhibits you from knowing yourself and prevents you from being known by others.  

"Accepting who you are can release the blocks to progress in your life" (p. 73). 

• Self-Love can inflate the ego, but with nothing of tangible substance.
• Without forming and solidifying your Public Self, you miss the first step toward interdependence with the world. 
• The single-minded pursuit of Self-Love is a distraction
• Our Root Self is about our connection to the world--how we recognize everyone as our self. At the Root Self level, we do love everyone because we recognize that we are all the same person, drawing from the same universal energy. 
• Universal Love is the ultimate goal of many religions and spiritual traditions. It requires a lot of effort and patience to arrive at the level of Enlightenment. 
• To focus on Self-Love is to ignore the deficits in the love we did not get from our parents. 
• To accept yourself is to accept your flaws, but it doesn't assume you are content with your flaws and shortcomings. 
• Owning the shortcomings is a primary step in changing them.
• 
  

Yost states, "The exception to avoiding the pursuit of Self-Love is when you do Inner-Child Work and you need to Self-Parent" (p. 74). 

• The task is to love that child part of you and integrate the child into the wholeness of the rest of you. 
• Accepting the wounded part and filling it with the Self-Parenting or Parent-Like input from another mature source is how that wounded part is healed. 
• No child makes it through childhood unscathed. 
• Our job as adults is to sort it out, accept who we are, process and change the Downloaded messages and beliefs we are not comfortable with--which includes the messages about conditional love. 
• 
  

"Self-Acceptance usually comes from being truly accepted by another. It only takes one person providing unconditional love, accepted and integrated in the right way, to change the life of another forever" (p. 74).  

Self-Love is not equivalent to Self-Acceptance.

Self-Acceptance: is seeing what is good, owning the bad, and acknowledging that some parts of yourself need work. 

• Recognizing shortcomings is not about Self-Abuse or Condemnation but about knowing what can be better. 
• Full acceptance of one's self takes you to a place of connectedness that has love for everything and everyone: accepting everyone's character faults in their fullness, just as you have your own. 

SELF-ACCEPTANCE EXERCISE. (pp. 75-76)

Remember to constantly check-in with how you are feeling and reach out for professional help. This is your journey, but help is only a call away. You do not have to do this on your own.